Mac'd Out

A few days ago, I was finally on a roll with my writing. I typed away furiously and was pleased with what I wrote. I went to save my work and screen just went blank. My heart skipped a beat. My muscles tensed. Flashbacks to when I lost my Masters thesis the night before it was due flooded my mind. I cautiously reached for the keyboard and pressed the spacebar.

Operating System Not Found.

WTF? I thought to myself … but tenderly pleaded with my Vaio. ‘Come on. You can do it. I’m sure you haven’t lost your operating system. It’s gotta be in there somewhere. Come on. Please.’

Pressed the escape key … Operating System Not Found.

I felt the tears welling in my eyes. I wasn’t completely panicked because fortunately just the day before I had backed up – not just my PhD work – I mean EVERYTHING! So, aside from losing the work I had done that morning, I knew that aspect of it wasn’t bad … it was the fact that my computer wasn’t working that was freaking me out. I can’t buy a new laptop. Not now. It’s not something I wanted to deal with at all.

I waited a while longer and pressed another button the keyboard. This time nothing at all happened.

I decided to just leave the computer and head to the gym. Escapism has always worked for me (or so I like to think).

When I came back there was still no life in my laptop. I decided to turn off the computer completely from the main power source. I waited ten minutes and tried again.

Well, whatdaya know? It worked. Word had retrieved the document I had been working on and all other files seemed to be in order.

So what happened? Who knows.

All I knew was that I was getting too close to the end of my PhD to really risk this happening again. I didn’t know what to do, but I thought – why not look for a new computer. Just in case.

I’ve been using a Sony Vaio for the past 5 years. Before that I used a Toshiba laptop. I loved both. I decided I wanted to stick to a Sony but I didn’t find anything that appealed to me. I ventured past the Mac store and I thought – let me just take a look. I have to admit, they were gorgeous. Sleek. Simple. Sexy.

But after having only ever used a PC would I be able to make a switch to a Mac? I was very hesitant.

So, I asked my friends – which one is better?

I was overwhelmed with the pro-Mac response. Out of 32 people who I spoke to, only 1 was completely pro-PC. Everyone else was pro-Mac.

Still, is it worth the price? I didn’t want to buy a MacBook. If I was going to buy a Mac I wanted it to be a desktop (since I already have a Vaio notebook to travel with). I was nervous about the compatibility of all my documents. Isn’t it a bit risky to make such a big move when I should be comfortable with my computer as I work on finishing my thesis? So many questions. I didn’t want to take the risk of my laptop breaking down without having a proper computer to work with … but … really? Hmmm … the indecisiveness went on for ages …

… well, not really. The next day I bought the Mac.

It’s been a few days that I’ve had it now and I LOVE IT!!

I’m still working out a few things, but overall, I have had absolutely no problem transitioning from a PC to a Mac. All my documents are in order. Whew. What a relief!

Two bags only, please

I am appalled at the number of plastic bags that are used to bag groceries at the grocery store. I have never understood why or how 12 plastic bags can be used for just 15 items. I totally agree with separating detergents and other non-edible goods from the edible ones, and I also understand keeping breakable/squishable (is that a word?!) items separate from heavier, more sturdy ones … but why do the cucumbers have to go in a separate bag from the cauliflower? Is it not possible to put the milk and

the salad dressing in the same bag? What is the logic behind not filling a bag up to the top before reaching for another one?

I haven’t really made a big deal about the overuse of plastic bags in the past. Inevitably I would reuse them at some point or another, so I didn’t really bother to say anything … but now, my plastic bag container has reached its limit and I have realized that I can’t use them fast enough!

So yesterday, I decided to follow my dear friend Raine’s lead and tell the guy who bags the grocery ‘two bags only, please.’ He looked at me quizzically as the cashier slid the items towards him. He started to put the detergents in one bag and the food in another bag. However, after only putting a packet of milk in the bag he reached for a third one. I quickly put my hand out and said – no, only two. Fill them up. He stared at me blankly. Another guy came up to him and asked him (in Bengali) what was going on. Not knowing I was Bangladeshi, and that I could understand them, he complained and said that I was crazy and that the bags would be too heavy if he put everything in two bags. They continued to have a bit of a laugh about the situation – I wanted to explain why I only wanted two bags (in Bengali) but decided against it as I did not want to go through the usual reaction that most Bangladeshis seem to have when the find out that I'm Bangladeshi as well (they simply don't believe me - even when I speak Bengali!) ... plus I was in a bit of a hurry. He tried, one more time, to reach for a third bag, but I just shook my head and repeated – only two please. He shrugged, reluctantly put the last item in the bag, and handed the two bags to me, and I left – happy with my two bags in hand.

At the moment, there really doesn’t seem to be any awareness or concern with recycling in Kuwait. Occasionally I will see a recycling box – but I don’t know if people take them seriously. I’ve seen all sorts of garbage dumped in the paper recycling boxes that are at work. What’s worse, I’ve seen our office assistant shred all the papers that were in the recycling box and dump the shredded paper in the regular trash … the concept just doesn’t seem to have caught on – and I really don’t see any steps being made towards making a change. I do know that there are one or two companies in Kuwait that have facilities to recycle – now it’s just about promoting the idea and getting people to participate.

Parent's Just Don't Understand

I wish I was writing about something more humorous and referring to Fresh Prince and DJ Jazzy Jeff’s rap – but unfortunately, that’s not the case.

It’s the end of the semester and once again, the parents are on the prowl.

When I got to work last Monday, I was just about to turn the corner when I noticed a man pacing in front of my office. At that moment, H (our department secretary) caught my attention and signaled me to come to her office. She whispered that it was the father of one of my students who wanted to talk to me about his daughter’s grades. I was a bit surprised as I knew she had done well in my class. I didn’t think it would be a problem, so I went ahead and spoke to him. Our meeting went well, and that was the end of it … or so I thought.

He showed up again … and again … and again. First talking to me, then talking to our director, then talking to me again … and then talking to one of my colleagues! Now, seeing this man’s desperation about his daughter’s grade you’d think she did really poorly – but no. She got an A-. She needed another 1.5% to get an A and her father couldn’t stand it. He was one of those creepy parents who smiles and pretends that they appreciate your efforts as a teacher and claim that they are not asking for points … “but if you could just do something to help my daughter, I’d really appreciate it.”

I’m sorry. I must speak a different language from you because in my world – that statement = begging for points.

I’m amazed. Every semester I think it won’t surprise me, but it does. The number of parents who come in and insist on their child being GIVEN points so that they can get the grade they want. “Just give my son/daughter two more points.” “Just pass my child.” “Just help us out.”

It’s driving me insane. I just want to scream – Just F off!

Having parents come in is not easy to deal with, but what’s worse is when they have people they know call in favors. Over the past few years I’ve had random strangers call me up and tell me that they work in the university and that their friend’s son/daughter was in my class and needs a few extra points to get to the next letter grade – so if I could just help them out. All I can think in these situations is – who the *uck do you think you are? Why are you calling me? Why should I help you?!

I have always told my students that I would discuss their grades with them (at the appropriate time – not after the final grades have been posted). They know that I have no problem going through their work and even giving points in places where I’ve made an error. I’ve also told my students that the grade they get is the grade they earn. While there are some students who are a bit of a pain, it’s the parents and their righteous attitude that drives me crazy. They’re the ones who need a lesson in ethics and politeness.

First Swim of the Season

I went for my first swim of the season today and it was great! Those who know me know that I’ve had an intense fear of the water for years and years. I’m happy to say that the fear has now become more of a discomfort than an all-out-panic-attack-inducing event. I still don’t have the confidence that I’d like to have, but I have to say, I felt good today. I hadn’t realized how much my improved arm strength would help with my ease of swimming. The first 12 laps were no problem at all. The next 8 were a bit more trying, but not a struggle. I was pleased.

Everything about today’s swim was great – well, except for the time when I was in the middle of a lap and a pigeon started flying way too close to me and I started to panic a bit (yes, I have a fear of birds) and all I could imagine was that this bird was going to be the death of me … and that while I was panicking, they’d open that cage under the swimming pool and let out the sharks (as JH has threatened … joked … ummm, no threatened!) – Major panic … but then the bird flew away … and I cautiously searched the water for sharks and didn’t see anything … and continued on my swim.

Whew. That was a close one.

Boom Boom Pow

I had my first boxing lesson two days ago! I would have typed this blog entry sooner, but my knuckles were all bruised and swollen!

I had been looking for something to change up my routine, so I decided to learn how to box … and I love it! Several of my friends have asked me why. They think it’s about the actual boxing and my mom is terrified that I’ll actually get punched in the face (especially since H’s fist came very close to my face several times whenever I let my guard down), but they’re getting waaayy ahead of me.

Right now it’s about the training. It’s about the technique. It’s about developing the skill.

I’ve totally been inspired by the Gleason’s Gym training handbook. What they’ve said about developing mental clarity, calm of mind, strength in one’s soul, and confidence in one’s abilities is something that really moved and inspired me. So, I put my boxing gloves (yes, they’re pink), hand wraps, and all other paraphernalia into my gym bag and headed for my first training session.

OMG. What a workout. The sweat was pouring, my heart was racing, my muscles were working – it was awesome! Punch after punch after punch. Learning that so much of it really is based on technique. It was exhilarating. The bruised and swollen knuckles – though alarming (and painful) at first – are totally worth it!

I can’t wait until my next lesson.

Alarmed!

When you hear a fire alarm, what would your reaction be? Would you stop doing whatever you were doing, just grab your purse/wallet/phone and follow the emergency exit route? [I know that when a fire alarm goes off you really should leave everything behind, but I'm being realistic here.] Well, ideally that's what I think should happen.

Do you know what happens at the place I work? After the unbelivably deafening alarm that shocks everyone (nearly to death - or the loss of one's ovaries ... don't ask, it's a long story) ... we jolt to attention, clutch our heart [yes, it's that loud], and then just get back to work. A few minutes later, the alarm will go off again ... five or ten minutes go by and the alarm goes off again. Aside from the 20-30 seconds of shrill ringing that makes it impossible to focus or breathe we basically ignore this alarm. This happens while we're in the office and while we're in class. Do we do anything about it - no.

I am absolutely sick and tired of this fire alarm. It's useless and it's a hazard. Just the other day I was walking to class with J and the alarm happened to go off as we were in a narrow hallway. I kid you not, I thought I was going to vomit from the intensity of the alarm. Every part of me was shaking. If there was a real fire, there's no way we could hear somebody's cry for help - actually, I'm convinced that if there was a real fire we wouldn't be able to move because of the shocking sound ... plus we've given up considering it as a warning bell - now it's just a nuisance.

So much for health and safety.

Writing ... writing ... writing

So, I feel like I've been glued to my desk for the past three months. I managed to streamline everything and reserve just a bit of time for family and the gym, but other than that, I've just been at my desk - researching, reading, and writing.

My first proper draft of my thesis is finally complete. I know that I have a long way to go, but I also feel like I've come quite a long way. I would love it if I could complete my PhD this year, but I don't know. I have been so overwhelmed by the task ... it's not easy to have to read and refer to 200 sources and fit the analysis and exploration within 80,000 words ... it may sound like that's a lot of room to play with - but trust me, it's not.

Anyway. I feel relieved -- and definitely want to take a bit of a break before getting back to work.

Wish me luck.

Patience is not My Virtue

I totally freaked out when I went to see W today. I knew that things had changed given my new exercise routine and the continuous studying. I didn’t need to go to her to confirm that I had lost muscle mass. I guess I should be relieved that I hadn’t gained any weight, but I still felt frustrated. I had been working so hard and was making such good progress and now this writing has set me back. W was wonderful, as usual. She’s been so supportive and encouraging. She gave me some good advice and once again got me to focus on my nutrition since I just haven’t been able to put as many hours at the gym as I’d like to. At the same time, she tried to convince me that cutting back to only 1.5-2 hours at the gym was actually a normal routine. She didn’t convince me, but I appreciate her effort.

Do I sound foolish? Does the outcome of getting my PhD sound like a much bigger achievement than continuing toward my fitness goal? Perhaps. Perhaps not. It’s all a matter of perspective and priorities, isn’t it? I know what I’m doing is important – and I (think I) know that the progress I am making, both in terms of my writing and my fitness, is fine given the circumstances but still – I’m frustrated. It’s emotionally exhausting – and you have to understand that this emotional worry has an effect on my writing as well.

I know I just need to be patient and stick to the program. I can’t/shouldn’t let little obstacles (i.e. life) set me back. I know I can’t operate in a vacuum and in control of all the variables … but still. Being patient and sticking to the plan is definitely more difficult than I thought it would be.

One of those days ...

Today was one of those days … you know the days I’m talking about. Those days when everything is actually kinda ok, but at the same time everything is slightly off sync – just enough to throw you off balance and make even the smallest of tasks feel like a struggle.

I hadn’t slept well and ended up waking up earlier than I would have liked. I decided to try to do a bit of reading – I managed to get through the article, but I didn’t feel like I had gained anything from it – what a waste of time. I couldn’t decide whether or not to go to the gym. I wanted to … but I didn’t feel like it. Still, I got my things together and went. I finished my routine – but every step was a drag and every rep was exhausting. It just felt like I was going through the motions with no emotion behind my actions. As I said – absolutely exhausting. With this type of start to my day I was totally dreading facing my class. I just printed off a worksheet for them to complete and stood there for 2 hours, staring at them. More wasted time.

I was somewhat consoled by JH in the afternoon when he told me that there were days that he struggled with his workout as well. I would have never imagined … so at least I felt like I wasn’t alone. I decided to use that bit of motivation to get some writing done. I wrote a few pages and then decided to take a break and check my emails. Bad move. More distressing news about my aunt’s deteriorating health. It’s the helplessness really that gets to me. What can I do to make her feel better or to cheer her up? It seems like an impossible situation.

Rumor Has It ...

My oh my. Won't locker room rumors and gossip just make you blush?!
You'd be amazed at what's said in there -- and about who it's being said!

Now, I'm not one to spread or believe rumors, but I am guilty of not turning away when something is being said to me. Maybe it's because I seem a bit uninvolved in the social politics of what goes on at the gym that people seem to have opened up to me – I really don't know what it is that makes them talk, but boy have I heard a lot! Most often the source prefaces the statement with 'I'm not sure, but I heard ...' but there are quite a few times when they're making an outright statement of 'fact.' There are definitely a few that I've heard lately that I know are not true ... and there are others that would be amusing if indeed they were true ... and still others that I hope are not true!
How do these rumors start and what possesses people to start them? I think it's just to get a reaction out of people - and perhaps catch a hint from the reactions about whether or not the rumor is true. Most of the rumors really are just speculations about what quieter (but popular) members of the gym are really like/what they really do/who they are really into or with ...

I think I should take a moment to distinguish between rumors and gossip. When I say rumors, I’m referring to things I’ve heard from others – usually as statements of fact. They’re usually those absurd statements that you hear from some random person … they may make you stop and think, but I think those outlandish claims are the easy ones to just shrug off and ignore. They’re often tempting to hear but usually difficult to believe …

Gossip, on the other hand, is just talk – speculation, if you will. We tend to keep the gossip among just our circle of friends and save our observations and speculations as an inside joke that we can refer to for a pick me up – it’s harmless and not really to be shared with the public – A quote by Erica Jong comes to mind: “Men have always detested women's gossip because they suspect the truth: Their measurements are being taken and compared.” ~ How’s that to spread a bit of paranoia and speculation?

And the gossip and rumors continue …

~ Did you know that she’s bulimic?
~ I heard he takes steroids.
~ She says she’s single, but she’s really not.
~ I heard he’s quite the womanizer.

… whether you like it or not.

I know that there are some people who are definitely very careful about what they say, who they are seen talking to, and even when they wear at the gym … and then there are others who don’t care what others are saying about them. I think the one thing that I have found out is that people will talk no matter what efforts you think you’re making to avoid drawing attention to yourself. I think it really is best to just ignore what’s being said and continue to be however you are most comfortable with yourself … because no matter what, those rumors will spread …

Tango and Trance

I’ve been having trouble finding my focus while writing. Part of it has to do with being stuck at home, at my desk – the same surrounding day after day. It’s making me feel a bit claustrophobic. I would study elsewhere, but frankly, I find it quite distracting. The noise of coffee shops – plus all the distractions with people walking in and out as well as inevitably running into a few people that I know – doesn’t help me concentrate. I wish there was a nice library where I could just go and work peacefully for a few hours – proper desks and chairs and an inspiring ambiance. Kuwait’s national library is supposed to be opening soon – but I hope that I’ll be done with my PhD by the time it actually opens. In any case, I think the stage I’m at in terms of my writing prevents me from working anyplace other than home. I need to have my books/research articles at hand as well as all my notes and research diaries. It doesn’t make sense (nor is it really possible) to lug them around where I go. Anyway, I really can’t complain about my home office – it’s absolutely ideal. I’ve got everything I need organized just the way I want it … so it’s really just about being able to mentally focus without getting bored or distracted … and to do that, I turned to music.

I remember once upon a time when I absolutely could not work without music. It was everything to me – and it helped motivate and inspire me. Unfortunately, I had been having a bit of trouble finding the right type of music to listen to while working on my thesis. I found all my favorite songs to be distracting … classical music and other instrumentals were a bit boring … and then I hit the jackpot with Tango music and Trance music.

Odd combination, isn’t it? But it worked perfectly for me.

The soulfulness of the tango tunes and the hypnotic effect of the trance beats put me in the perfect zone.

[Suggested Albums: La Revancha Del Tango (Gotan Project) and 40 Summer Trance Hits 2009 (Various artists)]

Dealing with Life ... and Death

I don't think I'll ever be able to forget the sound of my aunt's voice as she told me she was dying. That's it. She's dying.

She beat breast cancer and lymphoma ... but now, after being in remission and healthy for the past five years, she was sick again ... and this time, the cancer had spread to her brain.

How do you process information like that? How do you continue to hear what the doctor has said after being told that you have 6 brain tumors and less than a year to live?

There's such an unbelievable amount to process. Reality is reality, but still, the steps one has to take to come to terms with that reality can seem endless and futile.

While I was talking to my aunt we cried a little, we shared our thoughts and our fears, and then we laughed about some of our favorite memories with each other. It was good to laugh, but the laughter was accompanied by pain though I think we both tried to ignore it - for the sake of each other.

There have been many phone calls back and forth. What do you say to someone who is dying? She wants to know what's happening in my life, but it all seems so trivial now. Everyone is telling her to be strong, but I don't know if anyone is giving her the space to grieve. It's normal, isn't it? Isn't it normal to take a moment and say F this. At this moment in time, I don't want to be strong. I want to curse and cry and yell and be angry at everyone and everything. That's allowed, isn't it? For after that outburst is over, there is no choice but to return to reality. Return to the fight. Fight to the death ... fight for your life.

Pushing through

It's been hectic lately.

Time has just flown by with lots of travel the past three months. Now I'm finally back and boy is there a ton of work to get to. I've come to the decision that my previous plan/schedule is just not going to work. I really need to put aside all distractions and just sit at my desk and get my PhD work done.

The thing is, I've come to realize that it's not really about my schedule (gym schedule to be more precise). I have been able to come up with a routine that I am satisfied with and doesn't freak me out too much. It's the other stuff that's been overwhelming.

There's been a lot of family drama lately that has kept me very distracted. I've been amazed at how cruel people can be and have been devastated at how the actions of one person can affect so many people in such a harsh way. I think what makes it most difficult is when you can't see an easy or direct solution. Your mind thinks one thing, and your heart thinks another ... and between those two is the harsh reality of the situation. It's been stressful to say the least - yet I have to push through.

I have to push through.

Confused much?

I must have stood outside the ATM cubicle for a good 15-20 minutes as the woman in front of me was using the machine. Yes, you read that correctly. I'm sure you're wondering - as I definitely was -- what in the world is taking that woman so long? I couldn't figure it out. She couldn't seem to make up her mind about any of the prompts at all.

Put in your card.
Choose your language.
Enter your pin number.
Select your transaction.
Take your card.
Take your money.
Take your receipt.
End.

I watched this woman stare at the screen ... press a few buttons ... stare at the screen for a while longer ... press a few more buttons ... continue to stare ... and stare ... and stare ... press a button or two again etc. etc. etc.

Meanwhile, I'm standing outside the cubicle, tapping my foot on the ground, resisting the urge to step forward and ask the woman if she needed any help ... seriously. What took her so long?

The thing is, this is not the only time that I've been behind a person (a few people) who seem to be completely confused by the buttons/instructions/possibilities related to withdrawing cash from an ATM machine. Why? What is taking them so long? Have they never used an ATM machine before? Is the font too small and they're having trouble reading the print? What is it??!! I just can't figure it out.

Motivation

I haven't written about my workouts in quite a while, but I must say that they have been going well. For the most part I'm pleased with the progress that I have made. I mean, there's no doubt that I've still got a long way to go, but still, I'm sticking to the program and trying my best.

One of the things that has really helped me stay motivated has been surrounding myself with positive people who either have the same goals as I do or at least have a good idea of what I'm going through/will have to go through to achieve the goals I want to achieve. Some of the people that inspire me are not at my gym, or even in the same country, but yet, their stories of success and their positive attitudes have inspired me. There are a few people that have particularly made an impact on my life:

I think it all started with D. D may have started as my RPM trainer, but somehow he evolved into something more than that. He was around at a point of time in my life when I needed motivation the most, and he provided it before I even realized what I needed. He believed in me more than I believed in myself and was always positive, always encouraging. To this day, he always greets me with a smile and encourages me to do my best. He shows me that he's proud of what I've achieved and continues to believe in me. I can't even express how much that means to me.

KD is someone else that has been amazing. She's such a strong, positive, and cheerful woman. I admire her strength and stamina. As a trainer, I find her to be inspirational and always full of encouragement. Its her well-balanced attitude towards exercise that particularly moves me. She works hard and pushes you to work hard. At the same time, I believe that she promotes having a healthy balance in life. She loves teaching her fitness classes and it shows. You can't help but to smile (at least on the inside) with the sweat dripping off your body as you give your all into a street brawl move (my personal favorite), and you can't help but feel a sense of accomplishment as you perform kick after kick and punch after punch - exhausted to the bone ... and I know it's because she genuinely believes in each one of her students and gives her all to the class. She's made a massive difference in my life.

Although this person is not a trainer, I have to say that JH also played a huge part in inspiring me to work hard. I've seen him work hard. He really puts his all into whatever he does - whether it's running, lifting weights, swimming, or sweating it out in RPM class. Seeing him so dedicated and motivated has inspired me beyond belief. I mean, when you look at trainers, you know you're dealing with someone who has professionally trained and worked towards being where they are now ... it's very different from seeing someone who is actually in the process of doing the work of getting healthy and fit. Seeing JH work hard has truly been inspirational.

One more person that has really made a difference to my drive and focus in trying to get healthy has been KO. She lives in NYC and recently started doing triathalons. Before she attemped her first triathalon, she didn't even know how to swim -- but she deicded to learn, then went on to train, and finally started competing. I think one of the most inspiring and wonderful things about KO is the constant smile she has on her face as she's biking and running (and I'm assuming even while she's swimming!!). She makes it look enjoyable (and easy!). It's that confidence and enjoyment that I find to be a great motivation.

I think these four people have really made an impact in my life. There are, of course, others who have played a role. JR has been encouraging me and giving me advice for years. MC has also been a new addition to my life - I find her strength to be amazing. S, A, and H are other members of the gym who have been encouraging and supportive of my efforts.

They've all truly made a difference in my life.

That time of year

It's that time of the semester again - y'know, that time when the students stop turning up to class, or the ones that do turn up to class end up tapping their fingers impatiently and keep staring at the clock - just itching to get out of there.

Part of me doesn't blame them. I know that they've got other subjects to worry about and things they find more important than English class ... plus the material this semester is just not that engaging, and there's only so much that I can do to make to 'exciting.' Still, it always frustrates me when I come in to a class of just 8 students (when there should be 25) and realize that they are not at all interested in being there. I know it's not personal, but that doesn't make it any less disheartening.

I wouldn't mind as much if I believed that the students were indeed prepared for their final tasks of the semester, but the truth is, the ones who seem to need the most help/guidance are the ones who don't seem to show up to class. Are they frustrated? Are they afraid of failing? Do they feel shy about admitting their struggle to do well? I don't know what it is, but I have found - semester after semester - that there are just some students who are difficult to reach.

Oh well, there are only a few weeks left. Winter break will be here soon.

TMI

What is it about people who share their personal health information? I'm not talking about 'simple' health information like 'I've got a headache' or 'I haven't been feeling well for the past few days' or 'I've got a terrible stomach ache.'


No.


I'm talking about a no-holds-barred account of the most intimate (gross) details about their health condition.

I don't get it. It's not like the person is my best friend who might give me a more detailed account about how s/he is feeling. No. It's usually somebody I know from a distance - a colleage at work, someone who goes to my gym, or a person who I haven't seen in a few months (even years)! Do these people not have a self-censor? Do they not realize that 1) the information they are sharing is very personal or 2) the information they are sharing is unbelievably gross and sickening?! Did they even think for a moment that this is something that I (or anyone) would not want to hear? How is that a boundary that becomes blurred?

Numerous examples of these encounters are going through my mind, but they're so disturbing that I can't bring myself to write them out explicitly. So I'll just leave you to wonder ...

I hope you don't mind, but ...

As soon as someone starts with that phrase, I get a terrible feeling in my gut. That phrase can only be followed by something bad ... In my experience it's usually been:

- I hope you don't mind, but I told so-and-so *insert secret/personal information*
- I hope you don't mind, but I went ahead and did *insert task that the person and I were supposed to do together"

Very rarely has this phrase been followed by something positive - by something that indeed, I wouldn't mind. No - it's most often been the case that the person has said/done something that I do mind ... and it can't be taken back.

Three days ago I has having coffee with a group of people - two out of the crowd of six were people that I felt close and comfortable with - the others were just acquaintances. The topic of discussion shifted to stress/lack of sleep. Although that's something I am quite familiar with, I didn't really want to share too many personal details as questions related to stress are often followed by - what are you stressed about/what thoughts keep you up at night ... and these are personal questions that I didn't want to get into at this given time and place with these people. However, before you know it, one of my friends started with 'Well, it's funny you should say that but, Plumpetals, [then turns to me and says 'I hope you don't mind'] has experienced ... ... ...'

It happened so quickly. I didn't expect her to go into so much detail and talk with such ease about me, and things that were obviously personal. Perhaps that's where the misunderstanding lies - the boundary between what is personal and what is ok to share with friends is blurred. I mean, we all have friends that we talk to ... and sometimes we talk to them about other friends - things those other friends have done/have said/have gone through ... but I think there's a certain element of confidence that is assumed when you're talking to someone. Each statement does not/should not have to be prefaced with - Don't tell anyone this - but maybe it does. Anyway.

I just haven't figured out how to deal with this situation. I usually just stay quiet. I know that's not a good thing and that I should speak my mind, but to me it's pointless - They've said/done what they've wanted to and I've already minded.

Time

5:15 a.m.
Why am I waking up this early? I don't need to leave the house until 7:20.
6:40 a.m.
Damn!
I turned off my alarm. How could I have overslept?
7:10 a.m.
Oh my God. Where's my other earring?
7:12 a.m.
My skirt is too long - these heels are not high enough - do I change my shoes, or do I change my skirt.
Change the shoes - changing the skirt means changing the whole outfit.
7:19 a.m.
Finally in my car. Shit. I left my phone upstairs.
7:20 a.m.
Running upstairs
7:22 a.m.
Back in my car. Trying to reverse but cars passing behind me.
One going left, two going right, another going left.
7:24 a.m.
Great. Now I can move. What the hell?Taxi standing right behind my car.
**HONK**
Angry look from my neighbor.I felt like flipping her off, but that would have been a waste of a few more seconds.
7:25 a.m.
Finally, reverse. Straight. Turn right. You've got to be kidding me. Road blocked by garbage truck. Of course - the truck has blocked the entrance to the side road as well. Tapping my finger on the steering wheel. Trying to hum to the song on the radio, but I don't even know what's playing.
7:29 a.m.
What's the point? Shouldn't I just reverse and go back to bed? Finally. I can get out of here.
7:34 a.m.
What is with this traffic? Why don't other people leave the house earlier to avoid this jam?
7:38 a.m.
I should just get out and walk, shouldn't I? How will I make my deadline? I have 12 minutes. Maybe if I call someone, they can meet me at the door and make the delivery - that will save me at least 2 minutes.
Phone call 1: 'I'm running late too.'
Phone call 2: 'I'm still in bed.'
Phone call 3: no answer
Phone call 4: no answer
7:41 a.m.
It's ok. I still have a few minutes. I'll just take a detour. I can make it.
7:44 a.m.
Still tapping my finger on the steering wheel.
7:46 a.m.
Oh my God. I can't stand this anymore.
I'm gonna make this illegal turn. I have no choice!
7:47 a.m.
'Get out of the way!! Didn't anybody teach you how to drive?!'
7:48 a.m.
Damn pedestrians!
7:49 a.m.
In front of the building.
Yellow and black lines. Who cares. I've got to park here.
7:50 a.m.
Running. [Taking quick tiny steps is more like it!]
Damn heels - too high.
Damn skirt - too tight.
7:51 a.m.
Here! Made it! Am I late?
7:53 a.m.
Sigh of relief. Delivered the documents just in time.
7:54 a.m.
Maybe today won't be so bad after all.
7:55 a.m.
Cop writing parking ticket.
7:56 a.m.
Running [if that's what you call it]
Damn heels - too high.
Damn skirt - too tight.
7:57 a.m.
Pleading with officer.
Thinking: Hmmm, he's cute.
7:58 a.m.
He smiles.
I smile.
7:59 a.m.
He gives me his phone number.
8:00 a.m.
He gives me a parking ticket.

Is the day over yet?

Unasked Questions

"So, did you think about it?"
"Do you have an answer?"
Someone once told me that I shouldn't ask questions that I'm not prepared to hear the answers to ...At first it was difficult for me to accept that - I have a question and I want an answer!However, I soon realized that unlike my girlfriends, who know how to answer questions, guys just don't understand what answering questions properly means.So, to save myself from the frustration of having my question answered improperly (i.e. hearing the cold, hard truth) I have finally adopted the practice of not asking questions that I am not prepared to hear the answers to.Consequently I have several bite marks on my tongue ... and is it worth it?Well, I'm not sure. It actually seems like a lose-lose situation to me ... if I ask the question and get the 'wrong' answer, then I'll be upset. On the other hand, if I refrain from asking the question, I will have saved myself from that feeling -- I'll just be anxious instead as the question consumes me from inside ...I try and tell myself that I will get an answer when the time is right - I don't need to go about asking questions. It's not that easy.So in the meantime, I'll ask the questions ... but silently in my head.
[Reposted from one of my previous blogs]