Thursday, September 30, 2010

Unasked Questions

"So, did you think about it?"
"Do you have an answer?"
Someone once told me that I shouldn't ask questions that I'm not prepared to hear the answers to ...At first it was difficult for me to accept that - I have a question and I want an answer!However, I soon realized that unlike my girlfriends, who know how to answer questions, guys just don't understand what answering questions properly means.So, to save myself from the frustration of having my question answered improperly (i.e. hearing the cold, hard truth) I have finally adopted the practice of not asking questions that I am not prepared to hear the answers to.Consequently I have several bite marks on my tongue ... and is it worth it?Well, I'm not sure. It actually seems like a lose-lose situation to me ... if I ask the question and get the 'wrong' answer, then I'll be upset. On the other hand, if I refrain from asking the question, I will have saved myself from that feeling -- I'll just be anxious instead as the question consumes me from inside ...I try and tell myself that I will get an answer when the time is right - I don't need to go about asking questions. It's not that easy.So in the meantime, I'll ask the questions ... but silently in my head.
[Reposted from one of my previous blogs]

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Patient but Pissed -- does that mean they cancel each other out?

You often hear people say - I ate a chocolate bar today, but I also exercised, so they cancel each other out ... or I got to work late today, but I ended up staying late too, so that cancels each other out ... What does that mean? When we do things that cancel each other out, where does that leave us? We're not moving forward - we're adding 1 and subtracting 1 ... ending up with a big, fat ZERO. Sometimes I wonder why I try and achieve balance when I really end up feeling completely unbalanced. Sometimes I feel like things become so mechanical that they lose meaning ... yet without that steady mechanical motion, I feel like I can’t move forward. It’s like trying to feel relaxed, but in order to relax I need to fix a strict schedule for me to adhere to … how relaxing can that be?So many things make me pause and think during the day … things I saw, things I read, things I thought about, things I said …Things that people said to me, things that people did …Do I take on too much? Do I try and control things that are really out of my hands?Have I become so focused on trying to make other people happy that I have forgotten what it is that makes me happy? Have I overcommitted myself to the point where I can’t keep any of my commitments?Why does it feel like I’m stuck in the middle of that big, fat ZERO?If I’m trying my best to be patient, but feeling really pissed inside, do the feelings cancel each other out?
[Reposted from one of my previous blogs]

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Ten Things I Love to Do Everyday

A friend of mine asked me to come up with a list of 10 things I love to do everyday ... This is what I came up with ...

1) Brush my teeth – love that minty fresh, clean feeling!
2) Drink water – especially my first bottle on an empty stomach. It wakes me up and makes me feel refreshed.
3) My morning prayers – Despite the many things that I feel anxious about, sad about, fearful about, there are also thousands of things I am thankful for. Most of my friends have given up on religion and God and that is what makes this routine of mine extra special. Before I’ve done anything else, before I’ve spoken to anyone else, I pray – I thank God for all I have, I ask for strength and guidance in all that I wish to do, I pray for the health and wellbeing of my family and friends, and I ask for mercy for all of humanity.
4) My morning yoga – I have chosen 5 simple yoga positions that I do on a daily basis. It doesn’t take long, and it’s not tough … but it gives me 10 minutes to center myself for the rest of the day. It’s amazing – even in these 5 simple moves, I notice improvement in my flexibility and balance.
5) Drink my morning cup of coffee. I know that I tried to give up caffeine, but then I thought – why? I only have one cup … sometimes two … it’s not that harmful. I love the taste of coffee, but what I really love about my morning cup of coffee is the atmosphere in which I drink it – silence, everyone asleep. Just pure, calm, relaxed ‘me’ time.
6) Put on a pair of high heels. Going to my shoe closet and choosing my heels for the day is something that I love to do. It sounds shallow, I know, but it’s true. I don’t always get to wear my favorite heels – especially when it comes to work, but whichever pair I wear, I love. They make me feel good … confident … and under the right circumstances, even sexy!
7) Jamming to my favorite tunes in my car. I love the fact that my car has an awesome sound system. I have a varied selection of CDs in my car as well as playlist after playlist on my iPod – I absolutely love cranking up the volume and singing away at the top of my lungs … it totally takes me to another world … and it helps me survive the crazy driving out on the roads.
8) Working out. I often can’t wait to get to the gym first thing in the morning. As I get stronger, I get more and more eager to go and workout. Although burning calories to lose weight is why I started working out, it’s the increase in my strength and stamina that makes me love going to the gym. I try not to think about the numbers as much and instead try and find the positives about the effort that I’ve been putting in – the hint of a bicep muscle, slightly more toned calf muscles, the bagginess of my jeans … I have a long way to go to reach my goal in terms of weight and fitness level, but it does not discourage me. This goal is something I want more than anything else in the world (the Harley Davidson is a close second) – it may take years, but I will succeed.
9) Enter my calorie count/food data into my body media program. This may seem to contradict what I just said about not thinking about the numbers, but the key phrase is ‘as much’ – after all, I know it’s still some sort of manifestation of my minor OCD tendencies! In the beginning, it was 100% about control. Entering every single thing I ate, calculating every single number – doing more complicated math than I ever thought I’d be able to do … but now, even though I enter my calorie intake every single day and monitor what I eat, it’s become a bit more about figuring out how to change/break a pattern. I eat when I’m hungry. While I do remember the last time I was full, I do not remember the last time I overate – and that’s not something I can say about my eating habits a year ago. I’m trying to learn how to balance my food and exercise. I’m not ready to do it on my own yet – without my body media program or without my nutritionist – but I hope to get there someday. For the time being, I’m monitoring my habits and learning how to listen to my body (and I frequently apologize to my body for letting it all get so out of control – I hope it forgives me).
10) Text my mom. I think my mother is the most amazing person in the world. I know that she has done the very best that she could do in the best way that she knew how for me. She is kind, honest, honorable, and loving. When I feel anything at all – happy, angry, sad, frustrated – I can text her (even if it’s about something unrelated) and she will somehow say the right thing, in the right way to make me feel better … my world is a better place because of her.