Friday, March 04, 2011

Dealing with Life ... and Death

I don't think I'll ever be able to forget the sound of my aunt's voice as she told me she was dying. That's it. She's dying.

She beat breast cancer and lymphoma ... but now, after being in remission and healthy for the past five years, she was sick again ... and this time, the cancer had spread to her brain.

How do you process information like that? How do you continue to hear what the doctor has said after being told that you have 6 brain tumors and less than a year to live?

There's such an unbelievable amount to process. Reality is reality, but still, the steps one has to take to come to terms with that reality can seem endless and futile.

While I was talking to my aunt we cried a little, we shared our thoughts and our fears, and then we laughed about some of our favorite memories with each other. It was good to laugh, but the laughter was accompanied by pain though I think we both tried to ignore it - for the sake of each other.

There have been many phone calls back and forth. What do you say to someone who is dying? She wants to know what's happening in my life, but it all seems so trivial now. Everyone is telling her to be strong, but I don't know if anyone is giving her the space to grieve. It's normal, isn't it? Isn't it normal to take a moment and say F this. At this moment in time, I don't want to be strong. I want to curse and cry and yell and be angry at everyone and everything. That's allowed, isn't it? For after that outburst is over, there is no choice but to return to reality. Return to the fight. Fight to the death ... fight for your life.


Jade said...

Sorry to hear what your aunt is going through. I know it's rough.
You're on my mind. *hugs*

RN said...