Those were the days ...

Shrill screaming as you run through the hall, slamming doors all through the night, loud music playing accompanied by out-of-tune voices … ya, I’m definitely not built for dorm living anymore!

Were we really that loud back then? I’m sure we were. I guess it was different living in a suite with your friends. I can’t really be too irked by the noise. I mean, 7 p.m. is not really late at night is it? Hehehe, just kidding.

I guess it’s just different being in my 30’s and living in a dorm vs. being 18 (as the girls in my suite this time around were). Still, aside from the noise, there was the room I had to deal with. The first thing I did was buy a pair of latex gloves and disinfectant detol wipes so that I could sanitize the whole room – only then could I start to relax a bit.

The room itself (this time) was not too bad. Good size, en suite facilities, a ‘comfy’ chair as they called it (not comfortable at all!) and a desk chair (also not comfortable) … and then there was the single bed with a … ummmm … I think it was intended to be a mattress but it felt more like a bunch of thin wire springs with a bit of cloth sewn over them – ouch! Yes, very uncomfortable. I literally had to sleep on the edge of the bed in order to avoid serious injury to my back! Luckily, I was only staying there for 10 nights since there was no way I could fit more clothes into the closet, which was about the size of an airplane bathroom! So clearly this room was purely functional and not built for comfort! Oh well – such is college life (at least for a few days out of the year) :)

My Treasure Chest

Childhood toys.
Notes passed in high school.
Matchboxes from hotels.
Paper coasters from restaurants.
Sugar packets from cafes.
Letters and cards received from friends.
Balloons from special occasions.
Journal entries from anguish/hope/passion-filled moments of my life.
Pictures that capture the best of times.
Trinkets that bring back great memories.
Mixed tapes replaying symbolic songs.
Newspaper clippings of significant events/dates.
So many memories. So many good times. So much to be thankful for.

Palestine

I can’t take the news about Gaza anymore. It fills me with so much anguish – I literally can’t bear it anymore. So many things about this situation amaze me – I’m amazed at how long this entire conflict has been allowed to go on. I’m amazed at how cruel people can be. I’m amazed that in this day and age there is still so much fighting going on.

I just cannot comprehend why so much fighting is still going on – or even why it began in the first place. I am embarrassed to be living in a country that claims to support the Palestinian cause but does nothing about it. Nobody is speaking loud enough and nobody is moving fast enough (if at all) to put an end to this. With such a travesty occurring, it should not take Ban Ki-moon to have to come in to put an end to all the fighting – isn’t that the obvious conclusion?!

It saddens me to no end to see our political leaders not leaping to action to stop this unbelievable inhumanity that is going on practically in our back yard. Sad stories, horrifying pictures in the newspaper, dreadful statistics are not what we need to realize that there is a problem … it’s no use if only the people feel such compassion and urgency to put an end to all the fighting – we governments to step in and put a stop to it. What is taking them so long? Why is it such a difficult solution to find? Can there really be a better/worthier/nobler goal than to save human lives and strive for peace?

It’s all just so sad. So very sad.

A belated happy new year ...

Happy new year everyone!

I know this greeting is a bit late, but I have been in an unbelievable amount of pain.

I’m glad to say that the surgery went well. The doctor is very pleased with my progress, and while that’s comforting to hear, I feel absolutely miserable.

Three days after the procedure, I was discharged from the hospital. The surgeon told me that it had taken 2 hours longer than they had anticipated. He reassured me that it would be ok but the recovery process was going to be painful.

I have honestly never known pain like this before. Aside from the pain, it’s been the helplessness that has depressed me the most. Every single movement hurts. I still can’t do simple tasks like get out of bed without wincing and clutching on to something for support. I hate having to rely on someone to help me and I hate not being able to move freely.
When my doctor first told me that he was giving me 3 weeks of sick leave, I actually laughed. I thought that I would be back at work within 4-5 days. I can’t believe how naïve I was. I’m going stir-crazy at home already … but I need to hang in there for just another 2 weeks.

It's Christmas!

I love Christmas. From the red and white stockings, to the fairy lights, to the warmth of the smiles that spread from the natural cheer that accompanies most people with this occasion … it’s all just so magical …

Many people complain that Christmas has become too commercial and materialistic, and while I can see where they’re coming from, it saddens me to that the joy that accompanies the season has been marred by this view. I get so excited as Christmas approaches – decorating the tree, putting up stockings, and of course shopping for presents! Still, the holiday is more than all of that … it’s about the happiness that spreads – hearing random people wishing others ‘Merry Christmas’, the desire to give something to others, using the occasion to send holiday cards to old friends and reconnect – remember them and also feeling remembered.

I can’t think of any other occasion that makes me feel this way – so comforted and content … Merry Christmas!

Lost Thoughts

I’ve been a bit behind posting lately as I recently found out that I’ll be having a surgical procedure. While it’s not a very serious condition, it’s one that has caused me a lot of pain for the past few years. I know that the procedure will be beneficial for me, but it still scares me.

I’ve been focusing a lot of my attention on my health – as much of this blog is already about. I’m trying to build my strength but with the stress/worry that I’m feeling about this procedure, the cravings for chocolate have come back … and of course, with each bite I feel guilty, but it’s been hard to resist.

My doctor says that it may take up to 3 months before I can return to the gym. That has me feeling really frantic and worried. It actually almost makes me not want to go forth with the procedure, but I know (well, at least I’m assured by friends and family) that the procedure is worth it … so wish me luck!

The Key

I got my Wellness key today! I booked a training session with one of my gym instructors. A lot of people avoid training with this one particular instructor because she’s the toughest of them all … but that’s exactly why I like her. I got my key and then we started to set up my program. I had to do a fitness test first. I’m never really nervous about fitness tests … what does bug me is that I usually do really well. My level of fitness is not my worry. I know I have strength and stamina … so inside, I’m fit … but outside, it doesn’t look it at all … anyway. Moving on …

So, I went through day 1 of a 5-day/week workout plan today. It was great (and tough). The thing that’s great about they key is that my goal is programmed in. I get immediate feedback on my results and get to see my progress. My instructor designed my program to push me hard … when you’re doing weights and cardio on your own, you can kinda adjust it along the way if you’re feeling tired … or sometimes psychologically you just don’t think that you can do that extra rep, or add some more weight … but here, if you do slow down or in some way ‘cheat’, then it’s all recorded. So, it really pushes you to complete the whole program … and complete it well.

I’m quite good about going to the gym in any case … I’m just hoping this key will give me the extra push that I need.

Finding a Balance

Ok, I’ve kinda, sorta fallen off the wagon. It’s been tough this Eid holiday. One thing is that it’s been a total break in my routine. I had really gotten into my groove, but now, it being a week-long holiday, I’ve been totally thrown off sync. I guess on the bright side, I have been getting more sleep, which I know is a good thing. My usual schedule of getting 5 hours of sleep a night works well, but only for about 2 weeks, after which it all starts to catch up on me. Now, I’m getting around 7 hours and it makes quite a difference.

Anyway. The main thing is that there have been quite a few invites – all revolving around food. It’s not like I’ve gone on a crazy binge or anything … it’s little things – something that had a bit of cheese; something that was made with white flour, something that had some sugar … so I’m a bit disappointed that I couldn’t stick to it more rigidly.

The whole goal is really about being healthy and feeling good. An obvious connection that has emerged – especially as I’m writing all of this down – is that when I don’t exercise, I feel bad. When I eat unhealthily, I feel bad. So … (the conclusion seems obvious, doesn’t it?) Don’t do things that make you feel bad.

This whole reflective thing has also helped me connect what I’ve been reading to what I’ve been practicing. To be honest, some of it sounds very wishy washy – the whole yin and yang with foods and how it all works together and has an overall effect on how you feel etc. Still, I can’t deny that now that I’ve been trying to put it into practice, it does make more sense.

I guess its all part of the cycle.

Detox - day 3

I never want to see another fruit for as long as I live!

I could barely bring myself to chew the fruit today. I just found it so utterly boring. Plus, I didn’t really feel any different. I don’t really know how I was supposed to feel, but it’s not like I felt completely refreshed and energized. I didn’t really feel any better than when I started … so did the detox work? I’m not really sure how I can tell.

In any case, I’m done with the program.

I did it.

Now, on to the next project.

Detox - day 2

I feel like crap. I feel tense. I feel angry. I just feel completely out of control and helpless. I am very frustrated. I feel very depressed.

I’m completely on edge.

I don’t understand it.

I should be feeling light and carefree and fresh with all that damn fruit inside me … but I just can’t seem to find a solid foothold and get a grip.

I didn’t go to the gym today. I tried to tell myself that it was ok since I had been pushing myself really hard lately, but I wasn’t convinced. Not going to the gym made me feel worse … so, I did 1,000 ab crunches at home to try and make up for it. It truly felt like punishment – forcing myself to do them, the soreness that followed. What I really needed to do was sweat it out, but I just couldn’t do it. Instead, I moped.

I thought detox was supposed to make you feel good. Why do I feel so bad?

Detox - day 1

I had a really hectic day today. Lots of things to do at work, lots of errands to run after work, and today was the first day of my fruit detox program. At first glance the program looks like there’s not enough food and it had me wondering, am I going to make it? I didn’t want to get into a program at the expense of being weak and not having enough energy to do any exercise … but, after going through the list of fruits and trying to eat whatever was prescribed for each meal, I found that I just couldn’t consume them all. I mean, a banana, a pear, half a papaya, grapes, and strawberries – just for breakfast! I was stuffed. I know it’s not a fast. It’s not a starvation plan. It’s not even a diet … but still, I was full after a few fruit … and tired of chewing by lunchtime. Still, I’ve committed to doing this. I want to follow it through. After all, it’s only 3 days – what’s the worst that can happen?

Winning the Race

Day 6 and I’m feeling pretty good. I was a bit worried about Thanksgiving dinner tonight, but I didn’t have to be. Dinner was a success and I’m proud of myself for not giving in to any of the tempting food. All that cooking just left me so exhausted that I wasn’t even interested in eating … plus, my appetite has decreased significantly and I’m not really having any cravings. The thing is, I love vegetables – no matter what the preparation … that really makes it much easier. Plus, the light feeling of not eating big meals or meals weighed down with meat etc. has made me feel much more positive.

I’ve been going to the gym regularly, and while I have been feeling a little weak and slightly dizzy during/after my workouts, I’ve been pushing through. I know not to overdo it. I mean, I’ve pushed myself to that point in the past before and it’s terrible – pushing hard for 10 days only to collapse and not do anything for a week … moderation is definitely the goal …

I still have to concentrate quite a bit on my eating habits/patterns. I’ve got to make a conscious effort … it doesn’t always come easy. I just have to remember to keep being patient and focused. Changes don’t occur overnight. As long as I’m making a concentrated effort, I should be fine. Still, it’s hard to block out the worries that are crowding my mind. I know that if I make this adjustment process to tedious, then it won’t last. Slow and steady wins the race, right? Slow and steady … slow and steady …

Adjusting

Day 3 and things are going well … except for the headaches. The headaches are really, really bad. I can’t keep my eyes open; I can’t even keep my head up straight. I have resisted taking any of my migraine medication or any painkillers at all. I keep reminding myself that since I have changed many aspects of my routine, it is only natural that my body will be responding in some ways. As Simon Brown wrote in his book, it’s the toxins leaving the body … so obviously there are some reactions … so I’m just going to stick it out.

It’s taking a bit of time getting my food sorted out. At the moment I’m just having steamed vegetables and ½ a cup of rice for lunch and that’s just fine. Today I felt a bit more hungry so I had another half cup of vegetables … I’m trying not to feel guilty for eating. I mean, if I’m really feeling guilty for basically eating boiled peas and carrots, then I’ve really got major issues! Anyway.

I went to take a nap at 3:00. I woke up with a start and checked my watch, only to see that it was 3:12. I forced myself to stay in bed until 3:30 – just trying to relax and meditate and rush around (and not really get anything done!). I felt great when I got up from bed. Very light, lots of energy … I think not having a big meal for lunch has really made a difference. Not that I ever ate that much … but I did eat more than what I’ve had in the last 3 days … so again, I’m sure every little change is making a difference.

I’m feeling pretty positive at this point and that in itself is making me feel good. I’m actually surprised at how quickly I’ve adjusted – or maybe it’s just the initial enthusiasm/motivation that comes with starting something new. We’ll see.

Change in Motion

A combination of increasing frustration, a motivational email from J, and the arrival of Jessica Porter’s book The Hip-Chick’s guide to Macrobiotics lead to me to finally step and make a change. Not just a small change, but a drastic one.

The first thing I need to do is stop being so afraid. Afraid of change. Afraid of things being difficult. Afraid of struggle. I find it slightly ironic that I’m saying that to myself since in many aspects in my life I am not afraid to work hard through difficult situations and make the changes necessary. However, when it comes to dealing with the biggest chip on my shoulder, i.e. loathing the way I look, I seem to fall short of that extra step I need to take to really make things happen.

If I really wanted things to change, then I would be more aggressive about it. The measures I’ve been taking in the past have not worked … obviously I need to change things up so that I can actually see some results from the effort that I am putting in … because I know I am putting in the effort. Spending 2, sometimes 3, hours at the gym almost daily should show some improvement … and I’m not just taking about improving my strength and stamina – yes, those things have improved. I’m talking about my appearance. I want to lose weight so I can feel better. I want to lose weight so I can lessen the paranoid I feel about diabetes and heart disease lurking around in my not-so-distant future.

You have to understand … all those people out there who are supportive and encouraging and make reassuring statements telling me that I’m overreacting and being too hard on myself etc. etc. … I do appreciate those words, honestly. But this problem is much more than that. It’s eating at my very core, making me discontent and dissatisfied in so many ways that it’s ruining me and totally bringing me down. So … it’s time to change.

The second thing I need to do, and this is a big one, is to be patient. I need to be patient with myself, patient with my body, patient with reality … changes do not happen over night. The effort that I’m putting in, is not for short-term results, it’s for life. So I must be patient. I cannot get frustrated, as I often do, and think that if things do not change in the first 48 hours then all the effort is worthless. I cannot beat myself up if I fail to go to the gym one day or breakdown and have a piece of chocolate. It’s about the bigger picture. It’s about the bigger picture. It’s about the bigger picture. (Ok, I think I’ve convinced myself.)

So here are the initial steps – all starting right now.
No caffeine (yikes!), no sugar (that sucks), no white flour, no meat – only fish occasionally, no dairy, no artificial products.

Here I go – wish me luck!

Charity in Bangladesh

On November 15, 2007, Cyclone Sidr struck Bangladesh and left thousands of people dead and around 3 million people without any shelter or food. This is one of many natural disasters that has affected Bangladesh over the years.

As one of the poorest countries in the world, millions of people in Bangladesh are stricken by diseases as a result of water contaminated with arsenic and water-borne diseases in general. Poverty also leaves many without any food or proper shelter. Building deep water wells helps provide arsenic-free water to people in the village. Over the past 3 years through donations we’ve (my family – aunts and uncles personally go into the villages to make sure the wells are constructed properly) managed to provide 7 tube wells. Each tube well costs around KD 300 (almost $1,000) which can be used by around 50 people in a village.

Moreover, for several years I have been closely working with an orphanage in Dhaka that provides shelter, food, and education to the children. KD 60 (around $200) takes care of all expenses needed by one orphan (food, clothing, materials for education (books, pens, paper etc.) for one year.

Among our charity projects are providing school supplies to village children – our usual school packs include one waterproof backpack with an umbrella, 6 exercise books, 12 pens, 12 pencils, 1 geometry box – costing KD 5 (around $20). Last year we were able to donate 5,000 backpacks throughout Bangladesh.

We also provide vaccinations against and medication for various water-borne diseases (typhoid, cholera etc.) which are ever so common throughout Bangladesh. In addition, during the cold winter months it is very difficult for villagers to stay warm, especially without electricity. To help them we distribute blankets to as many villages as possible. KD 10 (about $40) provides enough blankets for 20 people.

Many of you have been extremely generous with your donations for these various causes. Your donations have helped provide corrugated metal for shelter, rice for sustenance, and deep tube-wells for clean drinking water. Thank you for placing trust in me and my family to make sure that 100% of your donations go directly to the people in need.

I have attached some photos from when my aunt (father’s sister) went to Bagerhat to distribute rice and shelter materials to the people in the village after Cyclone Sidr of last year.

Your donations are much appreciated. Please spread the word and feel free to contact me if you have any questions about our charity projects.

Some of the destruction of Cyclone Sidr.

Stand that was set up to distribute rice, lentils, and other food to villagers affected by the cyclone. All were bought using money contributed from friends in Kuwait.

My aunt (father's sister) at the village distributing food. 100% of the money goes directly to those in need. The time, transportation, and all other things to make it happen are on us.

Skinny Skeleton

So I finally was taken to the hospital on Wednesday. I knew that I should have gone earlier seeing as the pain in my wrist was getting worse and worse. I thought that after a few pain killers and balm the swelling would go down and the pain would ease up ... but I was definitely mistaken.

It wasn't until I woke up in the morning and spent 20 minutes trying to zip up my skirt - because I couldn't get a grip on the material - that I realized that maybe I should get this checked out.

Of course the usual excuses stopped me from going earlier:
- it's nothing, it'll go away
- i don't have time
- what if something's wrong?

So I went. And they took an x-ray. And as I was sitting in the doctor's office staring at the image of my hand and wrist, all I could think of is, wow, my fingers look really skinny. If only the image of my skeleton could walk around instead of all the padding that surrounds it!

Anyway.

After admiring my skinny skeletal image for a few minutes I finally heard the doctor's surprised tone of voice. Apparently I had fractured my wrist a while ago (anywhere from a few weeks to a few months ago). He was asking me all sorts of questions like - when did it happen, didn't I notice, why didn't I come for treatment, how did this happen?

I waited for a few seconds to take it all in and I was like - I fractured my wrist? When? How?

He wasn't amused. But I was serious. I mean, sure I remember a time or two when I hurt my wrist - perhaps from kickboxing or from weight lifting - but I couldn't specifically remember. Besides, I think I have a high tolerance for pain (plus I'm stubborn).

Anyway. There was no way in hell he was putting a cast on my wrist. I mean, my wedding is in two weeks - TWO WEEKS (brief anxiety attack here).

Ya, so he'll have to wait. In the meantime I have a stupid bandage on my wrist that limits my every movement and makes things really difficult for me. Hrumph! Oh well - it's better than the cast, coz' you better believe I won't be wearing it at my wedding!

Now back to dreaming about my skinny skeleton ...

Making a Difference

I was so thrilled on October 13th to turn on my computer and see among the the top 5 headlines: Muhammad Yunus and Grameen Bank of Bangladesh win Nobel Peace Prize.

I wanted to jump up and down with joy - in fact I did a little!

What a great achievement! Sure, a nobel peace prize is given out every year, but this one was different for me ... obviously the first connection is that he's Bangladeshi. The second thing is that what Yunus has achieved really shows that change is possible ... that you can make a difference, even if it's a small one. We all have this power in our hands.

Yunus started a micro-banking system about 30 years ago. He gave small loans (e.g. $9) to poor village women (note: he started giving the loan to men first, but then found that they could not handle the money, so then he started lending only to women). With this money they were told to do something - anything - start a trade, buy some material, hire someone to do something if they didn't have the skill. They were to pay back the money whenever they could - no interest, no penalities, nothing ... and what happened? These women who were in desperate situations started their own small businesses. They didn't have to take to the streets and beg. They could work and earn money and take care of the family.

They had responsibilities and they carried out their work with pride.

My favorite quote from him is:
"You cannot go on having absurd amounts of wealth when other people have problems of survival," he said. "If you can bring an end to poverty, at least from an economic point of view, you can have a more livable situation between very rich people and very poor people, very rich countries and very poor countries. That's our basic ingredient for peace."

I think, if people properly gave their annual 2.5% zakaat (charity money in Islam) then so much could be done. I'm not saying eliminate poverty or anything like that ... I'm talking about taking little steps - but all leading to the right direction. Even if you eliminate the religious aspect of it, you can't say that giving for charity is not good. How can we, who have so much, not open our hands a little to make a difference?

The Bangladesh government is in such a pitiful state ... but what I have seen year after year is that individuals are using their own money to better their neighborhood, their streets etc. etc. It's so great when you see people willing to spend a little of their own money to help other people -- and not just other people, but these steps help the country as well.

So Yunus has shown that if you try and if you want to ... you can make a difference.

Going Postal

Does anybody know where the phrase 'going postal' came from?

I'm sure it has something to do with someone going insane at a post office ... like I almost went today.

I don't understand people that work in some of these government offices. Why are they so sullen, bitter, moody, and angry? They've got one of the easiest jobs in the world and yet they act as if asking for a stamp means that they have to move heaven and earth for you.

Take today, for example. I went to the post office and got a package slip. So I went to the counter where I'm supposed to claim my package. When I went the counter and placed the slip in the tiny window, the guy who was just sitting there staring off into space, gave me the look of death. I swear, his look clearly said - could you not see that I was busy doing nothing? Did you have to make me actually do some work today? I was so angry.

This is their job. If they hate it, why can't they find something more motivating, challenging, or exciting? And it's not like it takes great skill or energy to do what they're doing.

He grabbed the paper out of my hand and said 'shenoo hatha'? Thank god there was that glass barrier between us because I swear I wanted to reach out and slap him. I just ignored his comment and finally he snapped 'bataka' - I calmly handed him my id card - silently thinking to myself -- if he had simply done his job without an attitude, then both his day and mine would have gone so smoothly. Finally my white package slipped transformed into a pink one which he shoved in my direction as he barked 'rooh Keifan.'

I knew this was going to happen as all personal packages go to Keifan, so I quickly rushed there.

I was pretty excited as I knew this was my birthday package from D and I really wanted to get it so that I could open it tomorrow. It was already 12:25 and I knew that the post office was closing at 1 so I just hoped I'd make it there on time.

Thank goodness, I did. I went to the express package counter and they got my package in a minute ... now came the time when they were going to go through my stuff.

I was really hoping that they wouldn't ... I mean, it's my birthday present. It's wrapped. I wanted to open it ... and of course, above all, I didn't want to see what was in it, I wanted to wait.

So, I took a chance and told the guy - I know you have to open it, but I don't want to see what's inside. He was a little suprised at my statement. So I explained, tomorrow's my birthday and I want it to be a surprise. He just said ok, have a seat.

I heard him open the box and cut through some paper and then move things around. I didn't want to look - I didn't have the heart to see all the wrapping paper all over the place.

Finally I heard him say he was finished. I went to get my box and saw that he hadn't ripped any of the paper. He had just slit the top to look inside. I was so relieved. So he handed back the box and said Happy Birthday ... then paused and had a slight smile on his face and said (with his hand still on the box) do you want to know what's inside? And we both just laughed as a exclaimed 'No!'

See -- is it so difficult to have a bit of a sense of humor and be nice? I mean, he was polite so I was polite to him. He worked quickly and efficiently, and I appreciated it.

Why can't it always be like that?

Tick-Tock - The Clock won't Stop

I can't keep up. I mean seriously, where does the time go? It's not like I spend hours lazing around or anything. In fact, it's the opposite.

So I start my day with a list of 100 things to do. As I strike off 20+ things, I add on 30+ things ... It's never ending!

I enjoy staying busy for sure, but now I've created a new meaning for the word busy. It's getting really frustrating.

A big part of it is Ramadan timing. I can't get anything done during the day. When I do have time in the afternoon, all the shops are closed. And if I set out to do anything in the evening, I spend most of the time stuck in traffic. It's making it really hard to get things done ... and now the pressure is mounting. Registration of my car, grading papers, working out, getting things for my new apartment, wedding plans, Phd work ... and that's just the beginning - and you can forget about time for family and friends. I don't know how many times I've said no to outings etc. but I just can't do it. When I do have a spare moment I just need to be by myself to recuperate and get ready for the next list of things to do.

They say we should enjoy life and stop and smell the roses ... at this point in time, things are moving so fast, I can't even see the bloody roses!

Pill Popping Bliss

Okay, so my title may not be the most attractive of titles. I guess it's not even something that I should be proud of, but what can I say ... I'm finally sleeping.

I've always been hesitant about taking sleeping pills or sedatives. But this summer my insomnia go so bad that I went into Boots and got a bottle of herbal sleeping pills. I tried them out for a few nights but found that they were really relaxants. So instead of being able to fall asleep, I would just lay in bed, relaxed, but wide awake. That definitely wasn't my idea of a solution.

A few weeks later I had a nasty fall down the stairs. As horrifying as that experience was, I have no complaints as the medication iw as taking for the pain put me soundly to sleep. And what can I say, it wasn't too long before I became hooked.

I didn't depend on them right away ... it wasn't till another few weeks later when my insomnia was kicking in that I decided to reach for that little bottle of magic pills to just try and get a good night's sleep ... and what do you know ... it worked! And so I took a few more the next night, and then the next, and then the next ...

And each morning I woke up feeling great because I had a good night's sleep.

Seems good, doesn't it ... well, not to everybody.

My friends are a little concerned about my growing dependency on these pills. To calm them down I told them that I'd give them up ... and I did ... well, for a few nights ... but those nights were so restless for me. I had trouble sleeping. When I slept I couldn't stay asleep ... and then I'd finally wake up feeling like I'd been hit by a truck.

So my argument is ... what harm can a few pills a night do when the results are so good? I get to sleep. I feel rested. And when I wake up, I'm ready to go.

I guess I'm caught in a dilemma right now. I don't want to be addicted to these pills. And actually for the last week I haven't taken them at all ... but the bad nights of sleep are really getting to me. I just don't know what to do ...