Winning the Race

Day 6 and I’m feeling pretty good. I was a bit worried about Thanksgiving dinner tonight, but I didn’t have to be. Dinner was a success and I’m proud of myself for not giving in to any of the tempting food. All that cooking just left me so exhausted that I wasn’t even interested in eating … plus, my appetite has decreased significantly and I’m not really having any cravings. The thing is, I love vegetables – no matter what the preparation … that really makes it much easier. Plus, the light feeling of not eating big meals or meals weighed down with meat etc. has made me feel much more positive.

I’ve been going to the gym regularly, and while I have been feeling a little weak and slightly dizzy during/after my workouts, I’ve been pushing through. I know not to overdo it. I mean, I’ve pushed myself to that point in the past before and it’s terrible – pushing hard for 10 days only to collapse and not do anything for a week … moderation is definitely the goal …

I still have to concentrate quite a bit on my eating habits/patterns. I’ve got to make a conscious effort … it doesn’t always come easy. I just have to remember to keep being patient and focused. Changes don’t occur overnight. As long as I’m making a concentrated effort, I should be fine. Still, it’s hard to block out the worries that are crowding my mind. I know that if I make this adjustment process to tedious, then it won’t last. Slow and steady wins the race, right? Slow and steady … slow and steady …

Adjusting

Day 3 and things are going well … except for the headaches. The headaches are really, really bad. I can’t keep my eyes open; I can’t even keep my head up straight. I have resisted taking any of my migraine medication or any painkillers at all. I keep reminding myself that since I have changed many aspects of my routine, it is only natural that my body will be responding in some ways. As Simon Brown wrote in his book, it’s the toxins leaving the body … so obviously there are some reactions … so I’m just going to stick it out.

It’s taking a bit of time getting my food sorted out. At the moment I’m just having steamed vegetables and ½ a cup of rice for lunch and that’s just fine. Today I felt a bit more hungry so I had another half cup of vegetables … I’m trying not to feel guilty for eating. I mean, if I’m really feeling guilty for basically eating boiled peas and carrots, then I’ve really got major issues! Anyway.

I went to take a nap at 3:00. I woke up with a start and checked my watch, only to see that it was 3:12. I forced myself to stay in bed until 3:30 – just trying to relax and meditate and rush around (and not really get anything done!). I felt great when I got up from bed. Very light, lots of energy … I think not having a big meal for lunch has really made a difference. Not that I ever ate that much … but I did eat more than what I’ve had in the last 3 days … so again, I’m sure every little change is making a difference.

I’m feeling pretty positive at this point and that in itself is making me feel good. I’m actually surprised at how quickly I’ve adjusted – or maybe it’s just the initial enthusiasm/motivation that comes with starting something new. We’ll see.

Change in Motion

A combination of increasing frustration, a motivational email from J, and the arrival of Jessica Porter’s book The Hip-Chick’s guide to Macrobiotics lead to me to finally step and make a change. Not just a small change, but a drastic one.

The first thing I need to do is stop being so afraid. Afraid of change. Afraid of things being difficult. Afraid of struggle. I find it slightly ironic that I’m saying that to myself since in many aspects in my life I am not afraid to work hard through difficult situations and make the changes necessary. However, when it comes to dealing with the biggest chip on my shoulder, i.e. loathing the way I look, I seem to fall short of that extra step I need to take to really make things happen.

If I really wanted things to change, then I would be more aggressive about it. The measures I’ve been taking in the past have not worked … obviously I need to change things up so that I can actually see some results from the effort that I am putting in … because I know I am putting in the effort. Spending 2, sometimes 3, hours at the gym almost daily should show some improvement … and I’m not just taking about improving my strength and stamina – yes, those things have improved. I’m talking about my appearance. I want to lose weight so I can feel better. I want to lose weight so I can lessen the paranoid I feel about diabetes and heart disease lurking around in my not-so-distant future.

You have to understand … all those people out there who are supportive and encouraging and make reassuring statements telling me that I’m overreacting and being too hard on myself etc. etc. … I do appreciate those words, honestly. But this problem is much more than that. It’s eating at my very core, making me discontent and dissatisfied in so many ways that it’s ruining me and totally bringing me down. So … it’s time to change.

The second thing I need to do, and this is a big one, is to be patient. I need to be patient with myself, patient with my body, patient with reality … changes do not happen over night. The effort that I’m putting in, is not for short-term results, it’s for life. So I must be patient. I cannot get frustrated, as I often do, and think that if things do not change in the first 48 hours then all the effort is worthless. I cannot beat myself up if I fail to go to the gym one day or breakdown and have a piece of chocolate. It’s about the bigger picture. It’s about the bigger picture. It’s about the bigger picture. (Ok, I think I’ve convinced myself.)

So here are the initial steps – all starting right now.
No caffeine (yikes!), no sugar (that sucks), no white flour, no meat – only fish occasionally, no dairy, no artificial products.

Here I go – wish me luck!