Unveiled

Nightmare Student

2011-10-06T23:14:00.000-07:00

Me: "Your essay is due on Monday. Use your outline as a guide - it's ok if you want to add, delete, or change the order of some of the information. You don't need to redo your outline even if you change any information. You don't need to ask me, just do what you need to do to complete the assignment. Remember that each paragraph needs to have a minimum of 5 sentences. Any questions?"

Silence.

Class dismissed.

My nightmare student lingers behind.

Nightmare student: Miss, I only have 4 sentences in this paragraph, is that ok?

Me: No. You need at least five.

Nightmare student: But I only have 4.

Me: Well, you need at least five so, add some more detail.

Nightmare student: I don't think I can, so can I just keep it with 4 sentences?

Me: Ok.

Nightmare student: Ok? Really?

Me: Yes. I mean, you'll lose points but you can do whatever you want.

Nightmare student: Hmmm. Ok, so if I need to add some more information that's not on the outline, can I do it?

Me {trying unbelievably hard to keep my cool at this point}: What did I say in class?

Nightmare student: You said to use the outline.

Me: And?

Nightmare student: I don't remember.

Me: Do what you need to do to complete the assignment. All the instructions are in the book.

Nightmare student: So can I add more information.

{Kill me now.}

Me: Yes.

Nightmare student: So should I retype my outline?

Me: No. {I had to put a stop to this} I explained all of this already before. I'm sure you understand. Read the instructions in the book. Ask a friend if you're unsure. I'm not repeating any of this information again.

Nightmare student: Ok. But you said we can email you if we have any questions, right?

{Sob}

Me: Yes, but I will not answer any questions about things I've covered in class or that are in the book. Only specific questions related to your assignment.

I am NOT looking forward to checking my email this weekend. There's always one student every semester that makes you dread walking into class. Sigh.

Shame on you Kuwait Airways

2011-09-16T02:15:00.000-07:00

From the moment you step into the airport to check your bags in for the flight to Bangladesh it is absolutely clear that the Kuwait Airways employees feel like they are dealing with a sub-human species. Usually there are only two employees behind the check-in counters and more often than not they are joking with each other, on the phone, or walking away from the counter to do who knows what ... and that leaves all the passengers standing there waiting.

Checking in for a flight takes an hour if you're lucky. I have waited in line for almost 3 hours before being able to check my bags in. Any particular reason why? Nope. They just couldn't care less - I mean, we're Bangladeshi after all - the street cleaners of Kuwait. The ones who are not even worth paying the less than $100/month that they were promised ...

There are several horror stories I could tell you about the experiences I have had with Kuwait

Airways - starting from ticketing, to checking-in at the airport, to the flight itself ... like when the flight attendant spilled a whole tray of water on a passenger and didn't even apologize. Why should she? He's Bangladeshi. He must be a street cleaner. He's not really a human worth an apology.

However, the latest story has me completely riled up.

My parents were due to leave Dhaka on Saturday morning ... of course that didn't happen. For what reason - who knows. Nobody gives any information. Now, this particular flight was heading to New York via Kuwait -- so Dhaka, Kuwait, New York -- the one good thing about this flight is that at least you knew you were getting a slightly better plane than the ones just doing the Kuwait-Dhaka-Kuwait roundtrip journey (yes, they give us the shittiest planes in which the seat belts hardly fasten, the TVs don't work, and the seats are being held together with scotch tape). Anyway. This flight didn't take off. It was going to be delayed (they never said cancelled) for who knows how long ... so what do they do?

They put the passengers bound for New York in the 4-star Regency hotel ... and they put the passengers bound for Kuwait (including my parents) in a barely 1-star 'hotel' ...

It makes me way too upset to think about how terribly my parents as well as all the other people on that flight were treated. Such discrimination is horrific. Did these laborers who work practically all day for next to nothing - who haven't gone home in years!! - not pay for their ticket? Did they not deserve the same treatment? (I'm not even mentioning the 3 Kuwaiti 'business' men who were taken to the 5-star Radisson hotel - because surely they can't stay with the Bangladeshis.) I'm not making a distinction between the Bangladeshis who are doctors, lawyers, teachers, architects, etc. etc and the street cleaners, gardeners, taxi drivers etc. etc. and apparently, neither does Kuwait Airways. They see our passport - see Bangladesh - and automatically - Yup. They're not worth treating like humans. Push forward the shitty airplanes. We'll just dump them in there at our convenience.

Kuwait Airways has a sweet deal with all the government employers who give free tickets to their employees. Ya, a free ticket home - but totally at the expense of your dignity.

Shame on you Kuwait Airways. The attitude that is displayed by your employees is disgusting.

Don't Bank on It

2011-09-15T00:28:00.000-07:00

Having to do errands while I'm trying to finish my PhD thesis in the next two weeks is stressful because the errands are always time consuming ... but I don't really mind when the errands get done ... today I made the mistake of going to NBK to deposit my scholarship check. Guess how that went?

Getting this scholarship money is proving to be more difficult than I thought it would be. Getting the check itself was easy enough, and I thought it would be smooth sailing from there. Shame on me for thinking that bank work would actually be easy.

In London I took the check (in my name) and forms of ID to Lloyd's TSB (the issuing bank of the check). In my previous experience cashing a check in the States that was all that I would need. However, this experience taught me that in the UK (not just at this particular bank branch the bank employee told me) you need to have an account in that bank in order to receive the cash ... because first they will deposit into the account and then you need to fill out a withdrawal form and then they can withdraw the cash.

Me: If you were depositing the money in my account, wouldn't you note that the money came from the issuer's account?

Bank: Yes

Me: So why don't you just get the money from that account and give it to me instead of all the unnecessary steps in the middle.

Bank: We don't do it that way

Me: I don't live in the country, nor do I have an account in England. What do you suggest I do

Bank: You should go to the issuer and ask them to give you cash.

I'm sure the British Association of Applied Linguistics is going to be thrilled by that request.

I asked D (who works at NBK - the National Bank of Kuwait) to look into what would be involved in depositing the check in my account here. He asked and they said - 3 days for it to be cashed; no charge at all.

Great news right?

Correct news? Of course not.

Today's exchange at the bank:

Me: I'd like to deposit this check into my account.

Bank: Ok. Oh. Only your first and last name are written here.

Me: Yes, that's my name.

Bank: Well, we need a minimum of three names listed.

Me: But that's my name.

Bank: Can I see your civil ID? {I hand it to her} See, it lists these names as well (all in Arabic)

Me: That's not my name. That's my father's name that has just been added to the rest of my name, but as you can see in my passport, this is my name. This is what I use as my ID since the locally issued Arabic ID is not really considered valid anywhere else.

Bank: Hmmm, well, we still need three names. Besides, are you sure you want to deposit this check? It'll take at least 40 days and we'll charge 7 KD.

I can't go on with the exchange because just typing it out is pissing me off even more.

Her advice was also to go back to BAAL and figure something out with them ...

So not only was the visit to the bank a waste of time but it was also frustrating and stressful. This is not the frame of mind to be in when trying to write.

A Thin Line

2011-09-07T00:13:00.000-07:00

Today will be another day filled with train rides. I usually love train rides – but the train rides over the past 17 days have left me absolutely exhausted. In the beginning it wasn’t so bad … but now, it’s becoming absolutely painful. Part of the pain has to do with carrying around almost 15 kg of luggage. That may not sound like a lot, but try running (ok briskly walking) though endless hallways and up and down flights of stairs (while maneuvering yourself through hoards of people) with a bag in each hand. It’s not fun. It’s not easy. It IS a bloody pain.

All that and you get to the platform to find out that the train is delayed … signal failure, vandalism of the tracks, or some sort of drama that is delaying the train – if you’re lucky. More often than not on this trip it has been Rail Replacement Works – and that usually means one of the things I dread the most – Rail Replacement Bus Service!

I had avoided traveling on a Sunday in fear for the Rail Replacement Bus Service – but ended up not being able to avoid it even on a Saturday … add the usual closer/delays of the Circle & District lines (why do they bother to still have those lines if they run such a shitty service?!) and you have chaos.

Chaos and Crowds.

That’s when you stand on the platform and curse the public transport system and then try and catch a glimpse of the tube/railway map (that everybody else is crowding around as well) to figure out what alternative route you can take (particularly those that avoid the rail replacement service)!

Anyway. In the past 17 days I have done 14 different train rides. While I am absolutely grateful for the public transport system that has made it possible to independently travel from city to city, I.Am.Exhausted. Yes, definitely a thin line between loving and hating the transport system here in England!

I cannot wait to get back to my car and being in control of my own journey at my own pace using my own route …

August 2, 1990

2011-08-02T06:50:00.001-07:00

August 2, 1990 is a date that I’ll never forget. I can’t believe that it has been 21 years since the Iraqi invasion of Kuwait. While I don’t remember every thing that happened on that day, I do remember the feeling … the feeling of hearing the news – I was in Bangladesh but my parents and brother were in Kuwait. I remember trying to process what it meant. I remember hearing my mother’s voice on the phone … and I remember the sinking feeling that intensified through the day, particularly after all international phone lines were cut and we heard that the airport runways had been bombed … Would I ever see my parents or my brother again?

August 2, 1990 marked the start of a new type of life for me. I was in a new country – well, my native country, but still a new country for me. I didn’t have any friends – only my family members. I started a new school. I saw a whole new side of Bangladesh … and though I slowly started making friends who provided me with a world of support and acceptance (Nadia, Triplets, Mimel) it was still shadowed by the fact that my parents and brother were still not with me. Would I ever see them again? Fortunately for me, there is a happy ending as we were all reunited. However, I know that many were not as lucky as we were.

August 2, 1990 was a date that created a bond among those who went through dealing with the separation from our home (Kuwaiti or not Kuwaiti – Kuwait was our home) and dealing with the uncertainty of the future. I remember when one of my friends (Shimul) from Kuwait finally managed to escape and make it to Bangladesh, I was overwhelmed with relief that she was safe … and felt a different type of comfort being around her as she knew what had been left behind. She understood what the invasion signified. I don’t think it’s an emotion that can be described to somebody who did not go through the events of those seven months.

August 2, 1990 is now used as a marker in time – a gap between how things were ‘pre-invasion’ to how things changed ‘post-invasion.’ To many, it’s just another date. To me, it’s the date that set a whole new set of events in motion in my life. Yes, August 2, 1990 is a date that I’ll never forget.

Sundays at PostSecret

2011-07-24T15:39:00.000-07:00

I’ve been a follower of PostSecret for several years now. My friend and I discovered Frank Warren’s book back in 2005. I remember us picking up a copy and spending the next few hours pouring over the postcards – reading them in silence, occasionally sharing a laugh, pausing several times to take it all in, and once in a while brushing off tears from our face.

I am truly amazed by Frank Warren’s project and I am even more amazed at the wonderfully passionate, honest, uncensored confessions that people make through their postcards. It must be so therapeutic to be able to finally confess a secret that would otherwise have been locked up inside – festering away. Is it healthy to have a fear that causes you to self-censor? Is it only natural to do so? Would people be better off if they didn’t feel the need to hide their rage, their anger, their sadness, their fears? Or is that the way it’s supposed to be?

If you haven’t stopped by at Frank Warren’s website http://www.postsecret.com do take a moment to check it out. The site is updated every Sunday. You can also check out this article published on CNET News: http://news.cnet.com/8301-13772_3-9890153-52.html

Feeling courageous enough to share a secret via an anonymous comment on this post? Go for it. J

Picture: PostSecret postcard found on www.bzzagent.com

Hello? You're Dead.

2011-07-19T02:27:00.001-07:00

Phone rings.

Me: Hello?

Caller: This is nurse X. We need you to come back to the hospital immediately.

Me: I’m sorry, what did you say?

Nurse: Some further test results have come in and the doctor wants you to come back immediately. We need to do a CT scan.

Me: But I was just in this morning, he said there was nothing to worry about.

Nurse: Yes, but you really need to come in.

Me: Tonight?

Nurse: Now.

Ok – so what would go through your mind during a conversation like that? I had gone to see the doctor because I’ve had a bit of a cough/shortness of breath recently – I just figured it was my annual episode of bronchitis. Not too big of a deal (though very annoying). I had just started feeling poorly so I hoped the doctor would give me my antibiotics and I’d be good to go.

Unfortunately, my regular doctor was on vacation. In fact, it seemed like all the doctors were on vacation and only one was available … great, I got to see the most spaced-out doctor I’ve ever had a consultation with. My first impression of him wasn’t great … so now to get this phone call had me freaked out. Really, really freaked out.

On my way to the hospital one thing was for sure – I was not going to go through a CT scan without a second opinion. I think too many tests are ordered too quickly nowadays. Anyway. I asked D to come with me for some extra support.

We get to the doctor’s office. He calls me in – I tell D to come in with me.

Doctor: I’d want to do a CT scan.

Me: What for? You looked at my x-ray earlier and said that it was fine.

Doctor: Yes, I know, but the radiologist looked at the x-ray and said that he detected a slight thickening in your lungs. It may be nothing, but still I want to be sure. It might be pneumonia.

Me: Hmmmm, pneumonia.

D: But she doesn’t have any symptoms of pneumonia.

Doctor: Yes, that’s what I thought too. It’s probably not pneumonia, but I thought maybe we can do a CT scan.

Me: Is this really necessary? I don’t want to have to take any tests that I don’t need to.

Doctor: No, we can wait if you like. You can finish your medicine and next week when you come for a follow-up we can see if you need the CT scan. Is that what you’d like?

Hmmmmm let me just think about this for a second.

Of course that’s what I’d like!!

Why the hell did you have the nurse call me up and ask me to come in immediately to do an unnecessary test for an illness that I don’t even have symptoms for?! WTF?!

I was so furious. Relieved. But furious.

Do they not learn anything about how to talk to patients? Did they not even consider how a phone call like that could be interpreted?

Shameful.

Hospital Waiting Rooms

2011-07-17T23:31:00.000-07:00

I hate hospital waiting rooms – they’re full of sick people and there’s no privacy!

You get to the hospital and walk into the waiting room, and you know that as soon as you enter everyone looks at you and thinks ‘I wonder what’s wrong with her.’ Come on. You know you do it too when you see someone else enter the room … or when you’re looking around the room to search for somewhere to sit and you think – who looks least sick?

Then there are always a few people who break the unwritten

waiting room ‘etiquette’ rules – which I believe should be written down and enforced … such as.

1) If you’re going to use your mobile, please do it in the hallway or at least speak softly. There’s no need for the rest of the waiting room to hear about your whole medical history.

2) If you’re going to bring children into the waiting room, monitor them. It’s NOT OK for them to jump up and down on the sofas or run and scream all around the room.

3) If you’re going to use a personal media device, use headphones! I’m surprised by the number of people who actually listen to their music or watch their TV programs either on such a high volume that the person sitting next to them can clearly hear what’s playing or without any headphones at all!

4) Don’t jump up and run to look into the doctor’s office whenever the door opens. Sometimes the nurse has to come in and out to get papers or other things. The second or two that the door remains open is not an invitation for you to peer into the room. Obviously the doctor is not ready to see you yet. I’m sure you’ll know when it’s your turn. In the meantime, sit down!

… and finally,

5) Please keep your personal conversations at a reasonable volume. There are people in the waiting room who are genuinely sick or may be very nervous/scared about having to see the doctor. Hearing endless, loud conversations between people shows a complete lack of consideration. Come on people – show some respect!

So yes, I dread any time I have to spend in the hospital waiting room. I just try and keep my head down and read a book until I hear my name called … and pretty much avoid inhaling to stop myself from catching anything that may be going around.

Mac'd Out

2011-06-17T00:58:00.000-07:00

A few days ago, I was finally on a roll with my writing. I typed away furiously and was pleased with what I wrote. I went to save my work and screen just went blank. My heart skipped a beat. My muscles tensed. Flashbacks to when I lost my Masters thesis the night before it was due flooded my mind. I cautiously reached for the keyboard and pressed the spacebar.

Operating System Not Found.

WTF? I thought to myself … but tenderly pleaded with my Vaio. ‘Come on. You can do it. I’m sure you haven’t lost your operating system. It’s gotta be in there somewhere. Come on. Please.’

Pressed the escape key … Operating System Not Found.

I felt the tears welling in my eyes. I wasn’t completely panicked because fortunately just the day before I had backed up – not just my PhD work – I mean EVERYTHING! So, aside from losing the work I had done that morning, I knew that aspect of it wasn’t bad … it was the fact that my computer wasn’t working that was freaking me out. I can’t buy a new laptop. Not now. It’s not something I wanted to deal with at all.

I waited a while longer and pressed another button the keyboard. This time nothing at all happened.

I decided to just leave the computer and head to the gym. Escapism has always worked for me (or so I like to think).

When I came back there was still no life in my laptop. I decided to turn off the computer completely from the main power source. I waited ten minutes and tried again.

Well, whatdaya know? It worked. Word had retrieved the document I had been working on and all other files seemed to be in order.

So what happened? Who knows.

All I knew was that I was getting too close to the end of my PhD to really risk this happening again. I didn’t know what to do, but I thought – why not look for a new computer. Just in case.

I’ve been using a Sony Vaio for the past 5 years. Before that I used a Toshiba laptop. I loved both. I decided I wanted to stick to a Sony but I didn’t find anything that appealed to me. I ventured past the Mac store and I thought – let me just take a look. I have to admit, they were gorgeous. Sleek. Simple. Sexy.

But after having only ever used a PC would I be able to make a switch to a Mac? I was very hesitant.

So, I asked my friends – which one is better?

I was overwhelmed with the pro-Mac response. Out of 32 people who I spoke to, only 1 was completely pro-PC. Everyone else was pro-Mac.

Still, is it worth the price? I didn’t want to buy a MacBook. If I was going to buy a Mac I wanted it to be a desktop (since I already have a Vaio notebook to travel with). I was nervous about the compatibility of all my documents. Isn’t it a bit risky to make such a big move when I should be comfortable with my computer as I work on finishing my thesis? So many questions. I didn’t want to take the risk of my laptop breaking down without having a proper computer to work with … but … really? Hmmm … the indecisiveness went on for ages …

… well, not really. The next day I bought the Mac.

It’s been a few days that I’ve had it now and I LOVE IT!!

I’m still working out a few things, but overall, I have had absolutely no problem transitioning from a PC to a Mac. All my documents are in order. Whew. What a relief!

Two bags only, please

2011-06-12T08:45:00.000-07:00

I am appalled at the number of plastic bags that are used to bag groceries at the grocery store. I have never understood why or how 12 plastic bags can be used for just 15 items. I totally agree with separating detergents and other non-edible goods from the edible ones, and I also understand keeping breakable/squishable (is that a word?!) items separate from heavier, more sturdy ones … but why do the cucumbers have to go in a separate bag from the cauliflower? Is it not possible to put the milk and

the salad dressing in the same bag? What is the logic behind not filling a bag up to the top before reaching for another one?

I haven’t really made a big deal about the overuse of plastic bags in the past. Inevitably I would reuse them at some point or another, so I didn’t really bother to say anything … but now, my plastic bag container has reached its limit and I have realized that I can’t use them fast enough!

So yesterday, I decided to follow my dear friend Raine’s lead and tell the guy who bags the grocery ‘two bags only, please.’ He looked at me quizzically as the cashier slid the items towards him. He started to put the detergents in one bag and the food in another bag. However, after only putting a packet of milk in the bag he reached for a third one. I quickly put my hand out and said – no, only two. Fill them up. He stared at me blankly. Another guy came up to him and asked him (in Bengali) what was going on. Not knowing I was Bangladeshi, and that I could understand them, he complained and said that I was crazy and that the bags would be too heavy if he put everything in two bags. They continued to have a bit of a laugh about the situation – I wanted to explain why I only wanted two bags (in Bengali) but decided against it as I did not want to go through the usual reaction that most Bangladeshis seem to have when the find out that I'm Bangladeshi as well (they simply don't believe me - even when I speak Bengali!) ... plus I was in a bit of a hurry. He tried, one more time, to reach for a third bag, but I just shook my head and repeated – only two please. He shrugged, reluctantly put the last item in the bag, and handed the two bags to me, and I left – happy with my two bags in hand.

At the moment, there really doesn’t seem to be any awareness or concern with recycling in Kuwait. Occasionally I will see a recycling box – but I don’t know if people take them seriously. I’ve seen all sorts of garbage dumped in the paper recycling boxes that are at work. What’s worse, I’ve seen our office assistant shred all the papers that were in the recycling box and dump the shredded paper in the regular trash … the concept just doesn’t seem to have caught on – and I really don’t see any steps being made towards making a change. I do know that there are one or two companies in Kuwait that have facilities to recycle – now it’s just about promoting the idea and getting people to participate.

Parent's Just Don't Understand

2011-06-07T04:43:00.000-07:00

I wish I was writing about something more humorous and referring to Fresh Prince and DJ Jazzy Jeff’s rap – but unfortunately, that’s not the case.

It’s the end of the semester and once again, the parents are on the prowl.

When I got to work last Monday, I was just about to turn the corner when I noticed a man pacing in front of my office. At that moment, H (our department secretary) caught my attention and signaled me to come to her office. She whispered that it was the father of one of my students who wanted to talk to me about his daughter’s grades. I was a bit surprised as I knew she had done well in my class. I didn’t think it would be a problem, so I went ahead and spoke to him. Our meeting went well, and that was the end of it … or so I thought.

He showed up again … and again … and again. First talking to me, then talking to our director, then talking to me again … and then talking to one of my colleagues! Now, seeing this man’s desperation about his daughter’s grade you’d think she did really poorly – but no. She got an A-. She needed another 1.5% to get an A and her father couldn’t stand it. He was one of those creepy parents who smiles and pretends that they appreciate your efforts as a teacher and claim that they are not asking for points … “but if you could just do something to help my daughter, I’d really appreciate it.”

I’m sorry. I must speak a different language from you because in my world – that statement = begging for points.

I’m amazed. Every semester I think it won’t surprise me, but it does. The number of parents who come in and insist on their child being GIVEN points so that they can get the grade they want. “Just give my son/daughter two more points.” “Just pass my child.” “Just help us out.”

It’s driving me insane. I just want to scream – Just F off!

Having parents come in is not easy to deal with, but what’s worse is when they have people they know call in favors. Over the past few years I’ve had random strangers call me up and tell me that they work in the university and that their friend’s son/daughter was in my class and needs a few extra points to get to the next letter grade – so if I could just help them out. All I can think in these situations is – who the *uck do you think you are? Why are you calling me? Why should I help you?!

I have always told my students that I would discuss their grades with them (at the appropriate time – not after the final grades have been posted). They know that I have no problem going through their work and even giving points in places where I’ve made an error. I’ve also told my students that the grade they get is the grade they earn. While there are some students who are a bit of a pain, it’s the parents and their righteous attitude that drives me crazy. They’re the ones who need a lesson in ethics and politeness.

First Swim of the Season

2011-05-26T18:38:00.000-07:00

I went for my first swim of the season today and it was great! Those who know me know that I’ve had an intense fear of the water for years and years. I’m happy to say that the fear has now become more of a discomfort than an all-out-panic-attack-inducing event. I still don’t have the confidence that I’d like to have, but I have to say, I felt good today. I hadn’t realized how much my improved arm strength would help with my ease of swimming. The first 12 laps were no problem at all. The next 8 were a bit more trying, but not a struggle. I was pleased.

Everything about today’s swim was great – well, except for the time when I was in the middle of a lap and a pigeon started flying way too close to me and I started to panic a bit (yes, I have a fear of birds) and all I could imagine was that this bird was going to be the death of me … and that while I was panicking, they’d open that cage under the swimming pool and let out the sharks (as JH has threatened … joked … ummm, no threatened!) – Major panic … but then the bird flew away … and I cautiously searched the water for sharks and didn’t see anything … and continued on my swim.

Whew. That was a close one.

Boom Boom Pow

2011-05-18T06:00:00.000-07:00

I had my first boxing lesson two days ago! I would have typed this blog entry sooner, but my knuckles were all bruised and swollen!

I had been looking for something to change up my routine, so I decided to learn how to box … and I love it! Several of my friends have asked me why. They think it’s about the actual boxing and my mom is terrified that I’ll actually get punched in the face (especially since H’s fist came very close to my face several times whenever I let my guard down), but they’re getting waaayy ahead of me.

Right now it’s about the training. It’s about the technique. It’s about developing the skill.

I’ve totally been inspired by the Gleason’s Gym training handbook. What they’ve said about developing mental clarity, calm of mind, strength in one’s soul, and confidence in one’s abilities is something that really moved and inspired me. So, I put my boxing gloves (yes, they’re pink), hand wraps, and all other paraphernalia into my gym bag and headed for my first training session.

OMG. What a workout. The sweat was pouring, my heart was racing, my muscles were working – it was awesome! Punch after punch after punch. Learning that so much of it really is based on technique. It was exhilarating. The bruised and swollen knuckles – though alarming (and painful) at first – are totally worth it!

I can’t wait until my next lesson.

Alarmed!

2011-05-10T20:06:00.000-07:00

When you hear a fire alarm, what would your reaction be? Would you stop doing whatever you were doing, just grab your purse/wallet/phone and follow the emergency exit route? [I know that when a fire alarm goes off you really should leave everything behind, but I'm being realistic here.] Well, ideally that's what I think should happen.

Do you know what happens at the place I work? After the unbelivably deafening alarm that shocks everyone (nearly to death - or the loss of one's ovaries ... don't ask, it's a long story) ... we jolt to attention, clutch our heart [yes, it's that loud], and then just get back to work. A few minutes later, the alarm will go off again ... five or ten minutes go by and the alarm goes off again. Aside from the 20-30 seconds of shrill ringing that makes it impossible to focus or breathe we basically ignore this alarm. This happens while we're in the office and while we're in class. Do we do anything about it - no.

I am absolutely sick and tired of this fire alarm. It's useless and it's a hazard. Just the other day I was walking to class with J and the alarm happened to go off as we were in a narrow hallway. I kid you not, I thought I was going to vomit from the intensity of the alarm. Every part of me was shaking. If there was a real fire, there's no way we could hear somebody's cry for help - actually, I'm convinced that if there was a real fire we wouldn't be able to move because of the shocking sound ... plus we've given up considering it as a warning bell - now it's just a nuisance.

So much for health and safety.

Writing ... writing ... writing

2011-05-01T18:00:00.000-07:00

So, I feel like I've been glued to my desk for the past three months. I managed to streamline everything and reserve just a bit of time for family and the gym, but other than that, I've just been at my desk - researching, reading, and writing.

My first proper draft of my thesis is finally complete. I know that I have a long way to go, but I also feel like I've come quite a long way. I would love it if I could complete my PhD this year, but I don't know. I have been so overwhelmed by the task ... it's not easy to have to read and refer to 200 sources and fit the analysis and exploration within 80,000 words ... it may sound like that's a lot of room to play with - but trust me, it's not.

Anyway. I feel relieved -- and definitely want to take a bit of a break before getting back to work.

Wish me luck.

Patience is not My Virtue

2011-04-30T16:41:00.000-07:00

I totally freaked out when I went to see W today. I knew that things had changed given my new exercise routine and the continuous studying. I didn’t need to go to her to confirm that I had lost muscle mass. I guess I should be relieved that I hadn’t gained any weight, but I still felt frustrated. I had been working so hard and was making such good progress and now this writing has set me back. W was wonderful, as usual. She’s been so supportive and encouraging. She gave me some good advice and once again got me to focus on my nutrition since I just haven’t been able to put as many hours at the gym as I’d like to. At the same time, she tried to convince me that cutting back to only 1.5-2 hours at the gym was actually a normal routine. She didn’t convince me, but I appreciate her effort.

Do I sound foolish? Does the outcome of getting my PhD sound like a much bigger achievement than continuing toward my fitness goal? Perhaps. Perhaps not. It’s all a matter of perspective and priorities, isn’t it? I know what I’m doing is important – and I (think I) know that the progress I am making, both in terms of my writing and my fitness, is fine given the circumstances but still – I’m frustrated. It’s emotionally exhausting – and you have to understand that this emotional worry has an effect on my writing as well.

I know I just need to be patient and stick to the program. I can’t/shouldn’t let little obstacles (i.e. life) set me back. I know I can’t operate in a vacuum and in control of all the variables … but still. Being patient and sticking to the plan is definitely more difficult than I thought it would be.

One of those days ...

2011-04-21T22:01:00.000-07:00

Today was one of those days … you know the days I’m talking about. Those days when everything is actually kinda ok, but at the same time everything is slightly off sync – just enough to throw you off balance and make even the smallest of tasks feel like a struggle.

I hadn’t slept well and ended up waking up earlier than I would have liked. I decided to try to do a bit of reading – I managed to get through the article, but I didn’t feel like I had gained anything from it – what a waste of time. I couldn’t decide whether or not to go to the gym. I wanted to … but I didn’t feel like it. Still, I got my things together and went. I finished my routine – but every step was a drag and every rep was exhausting. It just felt like I was going through the motions with no emotion behind my actions. As I said – absolutely exhausting. With this type of start to my day I was totally dreading facing my class. I just printed off a worksheet for them to complete and stood there for 2 hours, staring at them. More wasted time.

I was somewhat consoled by JH in the afternoon when he told me that there were days that he struggled with his workout as well. I would have never imagined … so at least I felt like I wasn’t alone. I decided to use that bit of motivation to get some writing done. I wrote a few pages and then decided to take a break and check my emails. Bad move. More distressing news about my aunt’s deteriorating health. It’s the helplessness really that gets to me. What can I do to make her feel better or to cheer her up? It seems like an impossible situation.

Rumor Has It ...

2011-04-16T23:23:00.000-07:00

My oh my. Won't locker room rumors and gossip just make you blush?!
You'd be amazed at what's said in there -- and about who it's being said!

Now, I'm not one to spread or believe rumors, but I am guilty of not turning away when something is being said to me. Maybe it's because I seem a bit uninvolved in the social politics of what goes on at the gym that people seem to have opened up to me – I really don't know what it is that makes them talk, but boy have I heard a lot! Most often the source prefaces the statement with 'I'm not sure, but I heard ...' but there are quite a few times when they're making an outright statement of 'fact.' There are definitely a few that I've heard lately that I know are not true ... and there are others that would be amusing if indeed they were true ... and still others that I hope are not true!
How do these rumors start and what possesses people to start them? I think it's just to get a reaction out of people - and perhaps catch a hint from the reactions about whether or not the rumor is true. Most of the rumors really are just speculations about what quieter (but popular) members of the gym are really like/what they really do/who they are really into or with ...

I think I should take a moment to distinguish between rumors and gossip. When I say rumors, I’m referring to things I’ve heard from others – usually as statements of fact. They’re usually those absurd statements that you hear from some random person … they may make you stop and think, but I think those outlandish claims are the easy ones to just shrug off and ignore. They’re often tempting to hear but usually difficult to believe …

Gossip, on the other hand, is just talk – speculation, if you will. We tend to keep the gossip among just our circle of friends and save our observations and speculations as an inside joke that we can refer to for a pick me up – it’s harmless and not really to be shared with the public – A quote by Erica Jong comes to mind: “Men have always detested women's gossip because they suspect the truth: Their measurements are being taken and compared.” ~ How’s that to spread a bit of paranoia and speculation?

And the gossip and rumors continue …

~ Did you know that she’s bulimic?
~ I heard he takes steroids.
~ She says she’s single, but she’s really not.
~ I heard he’s quite the womanizer.

… whether you like it or not.

I know that there are some people who are definitely very careful about what they say, who they are seen talking to, and even when they wear at the gym … and then there are others who don’t care what others are saying about them. I think the one thing that I have found out is that people will talk no matter what efforts you think you’re making to avoid drawing attention to yourself. I think it really is best to just ignore what’s being said and continue to be however you are most comfortable with yourself … because no matter what, those rumors will spread …

Tango and Trance

2011-04-03T21:33:00.000-07:00

I’ve been having trouble finding my focus while writing. Part of it has to do with being stuck at home, at my desk – the same surrounding day after day. It’s making me feel a bit claustrophobic. I would study elsewhere, but frankly, I find it quite distracting. The noise of coffee shops – plus all the distractions with people walking in and out as well as inevitably running into a few people that I know – doesn’t help me concentrate. I wish there was a nice library where I could just go and work peacefully for a few hours – proper desks and chairs and an inspiring ambiance. Kuwait’s national library is supposed to be opening soon – but I hope that I’ll be done with my PhD by the time it actually opens. In any case, I think the stage I’m at in terms of my writing prevents me from working anyplace other than home. I need to have my books/research articles at hand as well as all my notes and research diaries. It doesn’t make sense (nor is it really possible) to lug them around where I go. Anyway, I really can’t complain about my home office – it’s absolutely ideal. I’ve got everything I need organized just the way I want it … so it’s really just about being able to mentally focus without getting bored or distracted … and to do that, I turned to music.

I remember once upon a time when I absolutely could not work without music. It was everything to me – and it helped motivate and inspire me. Unfortunately, I had been having a bit of trouble finding the right type of music to listen to while working on my thesis. I found all my favorite songs to be distracting … classical music and other instrumentals were a bit boring … and then I hit the jackpot with Tango music and Trance music.

Odd combination, isn’t it? But it worked perfectly for me.

The soulfulness of the tango tunes and the hypnotic effect of the trance beats put me in the perfect zone.

[Suggested Albums: La Revancha Del Tango (Gotan Project) and 40 Summer Trance Hits 2009 (Various artists)]

Dealing with Life ... and Death

2011-03-04T08:10:00.000-08:00

I don't think I'll ever be able to forget the sound of my aunt's voice as she told me she was dying. That's it. She's dying.

She beat breast cancer and lymphoma ... but now, after being in remission and healthy for the past five years, she was sick again ... and this time, the cancer had spread to her brain.

How do you process information like that? How do you continue to hear what the doctor has said after being told that you have 6 brain tumors and less than a year to live?

There's such an unbelievable amount to process. Reality is reality, but still, the steps one has to take to come to terms with that reality can seem endless and futile.

While I was talking to my aunt we cried a little, we shared our thoughts and our fears, and then we laughed about some of our favorite memories with each other. It was good to laugh, but the laughter was accompanied by pain though I think we both tried to ignore it - for the sake of each other.

There have been many phone calls back and forth. What do you say to someone who is dying? She wants to know what's happening in my life, but it all seems so trivial now. Everyone is telling her to be strong, but I don't know if anyone is giving her the space to grieve. It's normal, isn't it? Isn't it normal to take a moment and say F this. At this moment in time, I don't want to be strong. I want to curse and cry and yell and be angry at everyone and everything. That's allowed, isn't it? For after that outburst is over, there is no choice but to return to reality. Return to the fight. Fight to the death ... fight for your life.

Pushing through

2011-02-23T04:58:00.000-08:00

It's been hectic lately.

Time has just flown by with lots of travel the past three months. Now I'm finally back and boy is there a ton of work to get to. I've come to the decision that my previous plan/schedule is just not going to work. I really need to put aside all distractions and just sit at my desk and get my PhD work done.

The thing is, I've come to realize that it's not really about my schedule (gym schedule to be more precise). I have been able to come up with a routine that I am satisfied with and doesn't freak me out too much. It's the other stuff that's been overwhelming.

There's been a lot of family drama lately that has kept me very distracted. I've been amazed at how cruel people can be and have been devastated at how the actions of one person can affect so many people in such a harsh way. I think what makes it most difficult is when you can't see an easy or direct solution. Your mind thinks one thing, and your heart thinks another ... and between those two is the harsh reality of the situation. It's been stressful to say the least - yet I have to push through.

I have to push through.

Confused much?

2011-02-16T16:32:00.000-08:00

I must have stood outside the ATM cubicle for a good 15-20 minutes as the woman in front of me was using the machine. Yes, you read that correctly. I'm sure you're wondering - as I definitely was -- what in the world is taking that woman so long? I couldn't figure it out. She couldn't seem to make up her mind about any of the prompts at all.

Put in your card.
Choose your language.
Enter your pin number.
Select your transaction.
Take your card.
Take your money.
Take your receipt.
End.

I watched this woman stare at the screen ... press a few buttons ... stare at the screen for a while longer ... press a few more buttons ... continue to stare ... and stare ... and stare ... press a button or two again etc. etc. etc.

Meanwhile, I'm standing outside the cubicle, tapping my foot on the ground, resisting the urge to step forward and ask the woman if she needed any help ... seriously. What took her so long?

The thing is, this is not the only time that I've been behind a person (a few people) who seem to be completely confused by the buttons/instructions/possibilities related to withdrawing cash from an ATM machine. Why? What is taking them so long? Have they never used an ATM machine before? Is the font too small and they're having trouble reading the print? What is it??!! I just can't figure it out.

Motivation

2010-12-17T19:05:00.000-08:00

I haven't written about my workouts in quite a while, but I must say that they have been going well. For the most part I'm pleased with the progress that I have made. I mean, there's no doubt that I've still got a long way to go, but still, I'm sticking to the program and trying my best.

One of the things that has really helped me stay motivated has been surrounding myself with positive people who either have the same goals as I do or at least have a good idea of what I'm going through/will have to go through to achieve the goals I want to achieve. Some of the people that inspire me are not at my gym, or even in the same country, but yet, their stories of success and their positive attitudes have inspired me. There are a few people that have particularly made an impact on my life:

I think it all started with D. D may have started as my RPM trainer, but somehow he evolved into something more than that. He was around at a point of time in my life when I needed motivation the most, and he provided it before I even realized what I needed. He believed in me more than I believed in myself and was always positive, always encouraging. To this day, he always greets me with a smile and encourages me to do my best. He shows me that he's proud of what I've achieved and continues to believe in me. I can't even express how much that means to me.

KD is someone else that has been amazing. She's such a strong, positive, and cheerful woman. I admire her strength and stamina. As a trainer, I find her to be inspirational and always full of encouragement. Its her well-balanced attitude towards exercise that particularly moves me. She works hard and pushes you to work hard. At the same time, I believe that she promotes having a healthy balance in life. She loves teaching her fitness classes and it shows. You can't help but to smile (at least on the inside) with the sweat dripping off your body as you give your all into a street brawl move (my personal favorite), and you can't help but feel a sense of accomplishment as you perform kick after kick and punch after punch - exhausted to the bone ... and I know it's because she genuinely believes in each one of her students and gives her all to the class. She's made a massive difference in my life.

Although this person is not a trainer, I have to say that JH also played a huge part in inspiring me to work hard. I've seen him work hard. He really puts his all into whatever he does - whether it's running, lifting weights, swimming, or sweating it out in RPM class. Seeing him so dedicated and motivated has inspired me beyond belief. I mean, when you look at trainers, you know you're dealing with someone who has professionally trained and worked towards being where they are now ... it's very different from seeing someone who is actually in the process of doing the work of getting healthy and fit. Seeing JH work hard has truly been inspirational.

One more person that has really made a difference to my drive and focus in trying to get healthy has been KO. She lives in NYC and recently started doing triathalons. Before she attemped her first triathalon, she didn't even know how to swim -- but she deicded to learn, then went on to train, and finally started competing. I think one of the most inspiring and wonderful things about KO is the constant smile she has on her face as she's biking and running (and I'm assuming even while she's swimming!!). She makes it look enjoyable (and easy!). It's that confidence and enjoyment that I find to be a great motivation.

I think these four people have really made an impact in my life. There are, of course, others who have played a role. JR has been encouraging me and giving me advice for years. MC has also been a new addition to my life - I find her strength to be amazing. S, A, and H are other members of the gym who have been encouraging and supportive of my efforts.

They've all truly made a difference in my life.

That time of year

2010-12-07T13:00:00.000-08:00

It's that time of the semester again - y'know, that time when the students stop turning up to class, or the ones that do turn up to class end up tapping their fingers impatiently and keep staring at the clock - just itching to get out of there.

Part of me doesn't blame them. I know that they've got other subjects to worry about and things they find more important than English class ... plus the material this semester is just not that engaging, and there's only so much that I can do to make to 'exciting.' Still, it always frustrates me when I come in to a class of just 8 students (when there should be 25) and realize that they are not at all interested in being there. I know it's not personal, but that doesn't make it any less disheartening.

I wouldn't mind as much if I believed that the students were indeed prepared for their final tasks of the semester, but the truth is, the ones who seem to need the most help/guidance are the ones who don't seem to show up to class. Are they frustrated? Are they afraid of failing? Do they feel shy about admitting their struggle to do well? I don't know what it is, but I have found - semester after semester - that there are just some students who are difficult to reach.

Oh well, there are only a few weeks left. Winter break will be here soon.

TMI

2010-12-01T18:58:00.000-08:00

What is it about people who share their personal health information? I'm not talking about 'simple' health information like 'I've got a headache' or 'I haven't been feeling well for the past few days' or 'I've got a terrible stomach ache.'

No.

I'm talking about a no-holds-barred account of the most intimate (gross) details about their health condition.

I don't get it. It's not like the person is my best friend who might give me a more detailed account about how s/he is feeling. No. It's usually somebody I know from a distance - a colleage at work, someone who goes to my gym, or a person who I haven't seen in a few months (even years)! Do these people not have a self-censor? Do they not realize that 1) the information they are sharing is very personal or 2) the information they are sharing is unbelievably gross and sickening?! Did they even think for a moment that this is something that I (or anyone) would not want to hear? How is that a boundary that becomes blurred?

Numerous examples of these encounters are going through my mind, but they're so disturbing that I can't bring myself to write them out explicitly. So I'll just leave you to wonder ...

I hope you don't mind, but ...

2010-11-14T18:22:00.000-08:00

As soon as someone starts with that phrase, I get a terrible feeling in my gut. That phrase can only be followed by something bad ... In my experience it's usually been:

- I hope you don't mind, but I told so-and-so *insert secret/personal information*
- I hope you don't mind, but I went ahead and did *insert task that the person and I were supposed to do together"

Very rarely has this phrase been followed by something positive - by something that indeed, I wouldn't mind. No - it's most often been the case that the person has said/done something that I do mind ... and it can't be taken back.

Three days ago I has having coffee with a group of people - two out of the crowd of six were people that I felt close and comfortable with - the others were just acquaintances. The topic of discussion shifted to stress/lack of sleep. Although that's something I am quite familiar with, I didn't really want to share too many personal details as questions related to stress are often followed by - what are you stressed about/what thoughts keep you up at night ... and these are personal questions that I didn't want to get into at this given time and place with these people. However, before you know it, one of my friends started with 'Well, it's funny you should say that but, Plumpetals, [then turns to me and says 'I hope you don't mind'] has experienced ... ... ...'

It happened so quickly. I didn't expect her to go into so much detail and talk with such ease about me, and things that were obviously personal. Perhaps that's where the misunderstanding lies - the boundary between what is personal and what is ok to share with friends is blurred. I mean, we all have friends that we talk to ... and sometimes we talk to them about other friends - things those other friends have done/have said/have gone through ... but I think there's a certain element of confidence that is assumed when you're talking to someone. Each statement does not/should not have to be prefaced with - Don't tell anyone this - but maybe it does. Anyway.

I just haven't figured out how to deal with this situation. I usually just stay quiet. I know that's not a good thing and that I should speak my mind, but to me it's pointless - They've said/done what they've wanted to and I've already minded.

Time

2010-10-06T08:11:00.000-07:00

5:15 a.m.
Why am I waking up this early? I don't need to leave the house until 7:20.
6:40 a.m.
Damn!
I turned off my alarm. How could I have overslept?
7:10 a.m.
Oh my God. Where's my other earring?
7:12 a.m.
My skirt is too long - these heels are not high enough - do I change my shoes, or do I change my skirt.
Change the shoes - changing the skirt means changing the whole outfit.
7:19 a.m.
Finally in my car. Shit. I left my phone upstairs.
7:20 a.m.
Running upstairs
7:22 a.m.
Back in my car. Trying to reverse but cars passing behind me.
One going left, two going right, another going left.
7:24 a.m.
Great. Now I can move. What the hell?Taxi standing right behind my car.
**HONK**
Angry look from my neighbor.I felt like flipping her off, but that would have been a waste of a few more seconds.
7:25 a.m.
Finally, reverse. Straight. Turn right. You've got to be kidding me. Road blocked by garbage truck. Of course - the truck has blocked the entrance to the side road as well. Tapping my finger on the steering wheel. Trying to hum to the song on the radio, but I don't even know what's playing.
7:29 a.m.
What's the point? Shouldn't I just reverse and go back to bed? Finally. I can get out of here.
7:34 a.m.
What is with this traffic? Why don't other people leave the house earlier to avoid this jam?
7:38 a.m.
I should just get out and walk, shouldn't I? How will I make my deadline? I have 12 minutes. Maybe if I call someone, they can meet me at the door and make the delivery - that will save me at least 2 minutes.
Phone call 1: 'I'm running late too.'
Phone call 2: 'I'm still in bed.'
Phone call 3: no answer
Phone call 4: no answer
7:41 a.m.
It's ok. I still have a few minutes. I'll just take a detour. I can make it.
7:44 a.m.
Still tapping my finger on the steering wheel.
7:46 a.m.
Oh my God. I can't stand this anymore.
I'm gonna make this illegal turn. I have no choice!
7:47 a.m.
'Get out of the way!! Didn't anybody teach you how to drive?!'
7:48 a.m.
Damn pedestrians!
7:49 a.m.
In front of the building.
Yellow and black lines. Who cares. I've got to park here.
7:50 a.m.
Running. [Taking quick tiny steps is more like it!]
Damn heels - too high.
Damn skirt - too tight.
7:51 a.m.
Here! Made it! Am I late?
7:53 a.m.
Sigh of relief. Delivered the documents just in time.
7:54 a.m.
Maybe today won't be so bad after all.
7:55 a.m.
Cop writing parking ticket.
7:56 a.m.
Running [if that's what you call it]
Damn heels - too high.
Damn skirt - too tight.
7:57 a.m.
Pleading with officer.
Thinking: Hmmm, he's cute.
7:58 a.m.
He smiles.
I smile.
7:59 a.m.
He gives me his phone number.
8:00 a.m.
He gives me a parking ticket.

Is the day over yet?

Unasked Questions

2010-09-30T11:07:00.000-07:00

"So, did you think about it?"
"Do you have an answer?"
Someone once told me that I shouldn't ask questions that I'm not prepared to hear the answers to ...At first it was difficult for me to accept that - I have a question and I want an answer!However, I soon realized that unlike my girlfriends, who know how to answer questions, guys just don't understand what answering questions properly means.So, to save myself from the frustration of having my question answered improperly (i.e. hearing the cold, hard truth) I have finally adopted the practice of not asking questions that I am not prepared to hear the answers to.Consequently I have several bite marks on my tongue ... and is it worth it?Well, I'm not sure. It actually seems like a lose-lose situation to me ... if I ask the question and get the 'wrong' answer, then I'll be upset. On the other hand, if I refrain from asking the question, I will have saved myself from that feeling -- I'll just be anxious instead as the question consumes me from inside ...I try and tell myself that I will get an answer when the time is right - I don't need to go about asking questions. It's not that easy.So in the meantime, I'll ask the questions ... but silently in my head.
[Reposted from one of my previous blogs]

Patient but Pissed -- does that mean they cancel each other out?

2010-09-28T20:02:00.000-07:00

You often hear people say - I ate a chocolate bar today, but I also exercised, so they cancel each other out ... or I got to work late today, but I ended up staying late too, so that cancels each other out ... What does that mean? When we do things that cancel each other out, where does that leave us? We're not moving forward - we're adding 1 and subtracting 1 ... ending up with a big, fat ZERO. Sometimes I wonder why I try and achieve balance when I really end up feeling completely unbalanced. Sometimes I feel like things become so mechanical that they lose meaning ... yet without that steady mechanical motion, I feel like I can’t move forward. It’s like trying to feel relaxed, but in order to relax I need to fix a strict schedule for me to adhere to … how relaxing can that be?So many things make me pause and think during the day … things I saw, things I read, things I thought about, things I said …Things that people said to me, things that people did …Do I take on too much? Do I try and control things that are really out of my hands?Have I become so focused on trying to make other people happy that I have forgotten what it is that makes me happy? Have I overcommitted myself to the point where I can’t keep any of my commitments?Why does it feel like I’m stuck in the middle of that big, fat ZERO?If I’m trying my best to be patient, but feeling really pissed inside, do the feelings cancel each other out?
[Reposted from one of my previous blogs]

Ten Things I Love to Do Everyday

2010-09-15T07:55:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine asked me to come up with a list of 10 things I love to do everyday ... This is what I came up with ...

1) Brush my teeth – love that minty fresh, clean feeling!
2) Drink water – especially my first bottle on an empty stomach. It wakes me up and makes me feel refreshed.
3) My morning prayers – Despite the many things that I feel anxious about, sad about, fearful about, there are also thousands of things I am thankful for. Most of my friends have given up on religion and God and that is what makes this routine of mine extra special. Before I’ve done anything else, before I’ve spoken to anyone else, I pray – I thank God for all I have, I ask for strength and guidance in all that I wish to do, I pray for the health and wellbeing of my family and friends, and I ask for mercy for all of humanity.
4) My morning yoga – I have chosen 5 simple yoga positions that I do on a daily basis. It doesn’t take long, and it’s not tough … but it gives me 10 minutes to center myself for the rest of the day. It’s amazing – even in these 5 simple moves, I notice improvement in my flexibility and balance.
5) Drink my morning cup of coffee. I know that I tried to give up caffeine, but then I thought – why? I only have one cup … sometimes two … it’s not that harmful. I love the taste of coffee, but what I really love about my morning cup of coffee is the atmosphere in which I drink it – silence, everyone asleep. Just pure, calm, relaxed ‘me’ time.
6) Put on a pair of high heels. Going to my shoe closet and choosing my heels for the day is something that I love to do. It sounds shallow, I know, but it’s true. I don’t always get to wear my favorite heels – especially when it comes to work, but whichever pair I wear, I love. They make me feel good … confident … and under the right circumstances, even sexy!
7) Jamming to my favorite tunes in my car. I love the fact that my car has an awesome sound system. I have a varied selection of CDs in my car as well as playlist after playlist on my iPod – I absolutely love cranking up the volume and singing away at the top of my lungs … it totally takes me to another world … and it helps me survive the crazy driving out on the roads.
8) Working out. I often can’t wait to get to the gym first thing in the morning. As I get stronger, I get more and more eager to go and workout. Although burning calories to lose weight is why I started working out, it’s the increase in my strength and stamina that makes me love going to the gym. I try not to think about the numbers as much and instead try and find the positives about the effort that I’ve been putting in – the hint of a bicep muscle, slightly more toned calf muscles, the bagginess of my jeans … I have a long way to go to reach my goal in terms of weight and fitness level, but it does not discourage me. This goal is something I want more than anything else in the world (the Harley Davidson is a close second) – it may take years, but I will succeed.
9) Enter my calorie count/food data into my body media program. This may seem to contradict what I just said about not thinking about the numbers, but the key phrase is ‘as much’ – after all, I know it’s still some sort of manifestation of my minor OCD tendencies! In the beginning, it was 100% about control. Entering every single thing I ate, calculating every single number – doing more complicated math than I ever thought I’d be able to do … but now, even though I enter my calorie intake every single day and monitor what I eat, it’s become a bit more about figuring out how to change/break a pattern. I eat when I’m hungry. While I do remember the last time I was full, I do not remember the last time I overate – and that’s not something I can say about my eating habits a year ago. I’m trying to learn how to balance my food and exercise. I’m not ready to do it on my own yet – without my body media program or without my nutritionist – but I hope to get there someday. For the time being, I’m monitoring my habits and learning how to listen to my body (and I frequently apologize to my body for letting it all get so out of control – I hope it forgives me).
10) Text my mom. I think my mother is the most amazing person in the world. I know that she has done the very best that she could do in the best way that she knew how for me. She is kind, honest, honorable, and loving. When I feel anything at all – happy, angry, sad, frustrated – I can text her (even if it’s about something unrelated) and she will somehow say the right thing, in the right way to make me feel better … my world is a better place because of her.

Signs of Stress

2010-08-12T02:45:00.000-07:00

Okay. It’s started. Last night, my anxiety about my research and writing got so bad that I couldn’t get to sleep. I stayed up late and worked until I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer. I don’t think I slept … it was more like I passed out from exhaustion and was jolted awake, not because I was all refreshed and ready to go, but because I started to see myself at my desk in my dreams … the sharp anxiety pain in my abdomen got me up and straight to my desk with just about 4 hours of sleep.

Anxiety and stomach cramps are the first sign of my pre-deadline stress.

The second sign, I whine. The first white that comes out of my mouth is, “I can’t do it. I’m going to fail.” This is followed by, “What have I gotten myself into? I’m not smart enough.” Then this is followed by random groans and moans … never a good sign when this happens.

The third sign, and this is when it gets really worrying, is when I start reciting the words of The Bangles’ song “If she knew what she wants.” Note that I said reciting and not singing. I (softly) recite the first two parts of the song in quadruple time! I have absolutely no idea why I do this, why this song, or how/when this happened. All I know is that when I start doing this, it’s a bad sign and all those in the nearby vicinity better make a run for it!

Writing (in) Style

2010-08-10T09:31:00.000-07:00

My deadline is approaching, which is of course why I’m sitting here posting this blog entry. I mean, I can’t spoil my reputation as an excellent procrastinator now, can I?

Well, I’ve actually been doing pretty well, though I could always be doing better. I’ve done a lot of research and now it’s time for me to get down to the writing – and before I can do that, I have to get myself in order … which involves a few things:

1) Fresh flowers. I’ve got to have fresh flowers on my desk when I’m writing. Perhaps it’s having a bit of nature in my room that I find refreshing or inspiring … whatever the reason, I need fresh, brightly colored flowers on my desk.

2) Post-its. Now I’m not talking about a single pad of post-its. I’m talking about different kinds of post-its, in different colors, shapes, and sizes all neatly stacked on my desk, ready to hold my mind-blowing ideas (or make a to-do list – though my to-do lists can be quite mind-blowing at times).

3) Yellow legal pads. For some reason, I write better on yellow legal pads. I don’t know why. I don’t even really like the color yellow, but there’s something about these legal pads that I find ... ummm … comforting? Inspiring? I don’t know. Regardless. I want them, so I get them.

4) Water. I drink a lot of water. Having to get up and go to the other room to get another bottle when I’m in the middle of writing is unbelievably irritating and distracting. So, I keep 4 bottles of water lined up on my desk – Gotta stay hydrated!

5) Navy blue track suit bottoms & turquoise tank top or black track suit bottoms & red tank top.These are my two ‘writing outfits.’ The only reason I have the black & red option is because I know that I can’t live in my navy blue/turquoise combo (though I have tried, not a pretty site after a while …) Plus, it’s not any navy blue track suit bottom or any red tank top. These are specific ones that I wear when I write. I know, slightly strange, but hey – I need to do whatever I can to get this writing done … it’s for my future!!

IHR Syndrome

2010-08-08T20:30:00.000-07:00

IHR Syndrome starts to spread about three weeks before Ramadan, the Islamic month of fasting, sets in. Just a bit of background information about Ramadan, for those of you who may not know … The thing I remember the most from learning about this month during my childhood is that we fast – abstain from food and water – from sunrise to sunset in order to feel how the poor/underprivileged feel. This explanation stuck was all I knew about Ramadan for a while, until I grew older and learned more. Ramadan is about abstaining from food and water, but it also about being patient, being charitable, being neighborly, abstaining from bad behavior, eating and drinking in moderation … y’know things we should be doing anyway, but sometimes forget. So basically, it’s a month in which we’re supposed to fast as well as practice being a bit more diligent about how we behave and treat others …

It doesn’t sound too bad, does it? I mean, ok, the idea of not eating or drinking from sunrise to sunset can be a bit intimidating, but people have been fasting for Ramadan for hundreds of years and have survived, so it’s not impossible. I know that there are some arguments about the health risks of fasting – e.g. dehydration, but there are also some arguments for fasting – e.g. cleansing/purifying the body. It’s not a life-long practice; it’s not even a 24/7 practice for the entire month. Anyway. You fast if you can; if it’s something that affects your health, you don’t have to.

So what causes the IHR (short for ‘I hate Ramadan’) Syndrome? Well, first of all, I have to say that I’ve only ever noticed IHR Syndrome in people who live in the Middle East … not in the States or England. Doesn’t that seem strange? Why would a predominantly Muslim country have so many (Muslim & non-Muslim) sufferers of IHR Syndrome?

Having lived in both the States and the Middle East, and having fasted during Ramadan in both of these parts of the world, I can tell you why … In the States, you go about your day, participate in your normal activities, and don’t change much of your routine – pretty much just like everyone else around you. When you fast in a country that’s not predominantly Muslim, then the action truly is a form of worship. You are fasting for yourself; when others find out, you have an opportunity to tell them about fasting and what it means to you.

However, take a look at how Ramadan is ‘celebrated’ in a place like Kuwait, and you’ll get a very different picture. The biggest issue that I have with Ramadan in Kuwait is that nobody is allowed to eat or drink in public from sunrise to sunset. You are not allowed to take a sip of water, chew gum, smoke a cigarette or anything … the restaurants and coffee shops are closed. You are not even allowed to openly drink water in gyms or in your office. If you are not fasting and do want to eat, then you have to do it in the privacy of your home.

This law is absolutely ridiculous in my opinion. Fasting is about control and restraint. What kind of fasting are you practicing when all temptation around you has been removed? Will the sight of somebody else drinking water really have that big of an effect on you that you won’t be able to control your urges? Plus, what kind of an impression does that give to non-Muslims who live in this country? Eating or drinking in public during this month is not only forbidden, but also punishable by law. Seriously? How has this type of policy become acceptable. Meanwhile the grocery stores are jam packed with people buying tons and tons of food that they can gorge on after sunset.

This brings me to my second problem with Ramadan in Kuwait. When I was younger, Ramadan used to be special. It was a time for the family to get together and eat. It was a time to visit close friends and share a meal – the focus of these gatherings was being together, not eating.

Now, however, it is completely different. From the moment the sun sets, the feasting begins. You would be amazed at how much weight people gain over Ramadan – it’s because they overeat. They sit there and they eat … they eat from sunset until sunrise. Restaurants are open until almost 4:00 in the morning to allow people to eat and eat and eat … what happened to moderation? What happened to self-control? This demonstration of gluttony is not part of Ramadan! Plus, remember what I mentioned earlier about remember how underprivileged/poor people feel? How much food do you think is wasted at these large gatherings? It’s a sin – an unforgiveable sin.

So, we’ve got the law forbidding anybody to eat or drink, we’ve got the overindulgence from sunset to sunrise … what else? Oh yes, the shortened working hours. Ok, so who wouldn’t be excited at having shorter working hours? It’s great. It’s a perk … but let’s shift our focus back to what the month should really be about – you’re supposed to incorporate fasting into your normal routine. Going to work for 4-5 hours a day, instead of your normal 8-9 hours, just so that you can go home and sleep (in order to avoid/ignore your hunger pangs) is NOT what Ramadan is all about. It seems that a lot of people only look forward to Ramadan because of the shorter working hours … think about that. Is that really right?

My final point is about behavior – remember what I had said about being patient and charitable etc.? Well, staying up all night overeating, and then abstaining from food and water during the day seems to make people unbelievably cranky. Driving is chaotic in Kuwait as it is – add sleep deprivation and hunger to the mix and you get a whole lot of insanely cranky people on the road and all around you. People are speeding, cutting others off left, right, and center … they’re pushing and shoving in the supermarkets, all fighting for a loaf of bread … it’s insane! Forget the month of Ramadan – is this the way civilized people behave?
So, it is with a heavy heart that I witness so many people suffering from IHR Syndrome. I wish I could say that they were wrong to feel this way, but the evidence is all around us. Yes, there are still many people who do observe the month for what it is truly supposed to represent, but unfortunately, it is the ones who are behaving badly and being rude to others that are more visible. So, once again, instead of taking Ramadan as an opportunity to demonstrate tolerance, to promote kindness and charity, to be giving and forgiving … the month seems to highlight some of the worst kinds of human behavior.

Driving Me Crazy

2010-07-25T11:12:00.000-07:00

So I’m waiting at a traffic light this morning, strumming my fingers on my steering wheel in time to the music and somewhat singing along … the light turns green and I press on the accelerator. Just as I start to move forward, a car from the opposite side of the road zooms through his red light, missing me by just a hair … I shudder. Take a deep breath. Cautiously look around and continue.

How can it be that even after ten years of living in Kuwait, the one thing I just cannot get used to is the way people drive here? The crazy speeding is the least of my worries – in fact, I find it much easier to handle than the ones who are barely moving on the major highways. (Seriously! – doing 50 km/hr on a major highway – come on!)

Regardless, the speed issue is not my main concern. My biggest concern is related to what happened to me this morning – drivers crossing through red lights. I’m not talking crossing through a light just as its turning red. No. I’m talking about crossing through a red light after it’s been red for a while. Of course, even that is not as insane as when I’ve stopped at a red light and the car behind me actually swerves past me to go ahead and cross it. Do they not see that the light is red? Do they not know that it’s wrong? Do they not care? Where are they going in such a hurry? Why is it that they think it’s ok to do such a dangerous thing?

Then of course there’s the lack of signaling … and when someone does turn his indicator on, he either forgets and doesn’t move, or goes the wrong way.

What about those people who don’t even turn their lights on at night. Why wouldn’t they turn on their lights? Are they really that lazy? Did their car not come with lights? Do they not know that it actually helps other drivers spot their black car zooming down the road at night? Ya, they don’t care.

And what’s with the reversing on major highways just because you missed an exit? You’d think that the traffic cops would do something about it, but heaven forbid they have to move and actually get out of their car. It’s just an exit. Either pay attention and turn when you’re supposed to, or drive on until you can make the next exit … legally!

How about those drivers who are waiting to make a u-turn or turn onto a road and they’ve stuck the front of their car halfway into the lane of oncoming traffic … do they not care that they’re causing a disruption because now the oncoming car has to adjust the way he’s driving to accommodate this *astard.

And don’t even get me started on the people who just pull into the parking lot only to take up 3 spots instead of one. Do they care? No. I mean, why would they? They’re the only ones that exist in this world … and what happens when you roll down your window and say ‘Excuse me, but you’re taking up three spots.’ They usually glare, ignore you, shrug, or comment with a ‘Park somewhere else.’ *astards!

I know that the ban on using cell phones while driving wouldn’t last, but I have to say I am completely shocked at how many people do not wear their seatbelt. It’s a seatbelt. It’s right there. Put it on! Okay, so you don’t care if you get into an accident … but surely, if you’ve gone through all the trouble to bring a child into this world you’d put him in the back seat, oh, no, you don’t want to do that? Okay, at least have your child wear a seatbelt in the front seat … Hmmmm, that won’t fly either. Ah I see, you insist that your 6 month old sit on your lap in the driver seat as you drive like a maniac, without a seatbelt, while smoking a cigarette, and talking on your cell phone.
Are we really the most intellectually evolved species?

Le Fabuleux Destin d'Amélie Poulain

2010-07-20T02:08:00.000-07:00

On September 3rd 1973, at 6:28pm and 32 seconds, a bluebottle fly capable of 14,670 wing beats a minute landed on Rue St Vincent, Montmartre. At the same moment, on a restaurant terrace nearby, the wind magically made two glasses dance unseen on a tablecloth. Meanwhile, in a 5th-floor flat, 28 Avenue Trudaine, Paris 9, returning from his best friend's funeral, Eugène Colère erased his name from his address book. At the same moment, a sperm with one X chromosome, belonging to Raphaël Poulain, made a dash for an egg in his wife Amandine. Nine months later, Amélie Poulain was born. [André Dussollier – Narrator]

What better way to start off my summer movies than by rewatching my favorite one – La Fabuleux Destin d’ Amélie Poulain?

There is something truly enchanting about this movie. Audrey Tautou, who plays Amélie, does a superb job of drawing you into her world in which you see her progress from living a sheltered, lonely life to being intimately involved in practically everyone’s life around her. I found my heartbeat quickening as hers did when her heartbeat was being checked by her father; I held my breath, just as she did, as she waited to see Bretodeau’s reaction to ‘stumbling upon’ a long-lost childhood treasure. I silently cheered for her as she sought revenge on behalf of Lucien. I was enamored by her relationship with Dufayel … and of course, I was completely wrapped up in her photo booth, photo album adventure to find Nino.

Whenever I watch this movie I am completely mesmerized – from the mischievous glimmer in Amélie’s eyes, to the voice of the narrator, to the music, to the beautiful cinematography – presenting a truly romantic and whimsical image of Paris.

Magical. Mesmerizing. My favorite movie for sure.

Ma petite Amélie, vous n'avez pas des os en verre. Vous pouvez vous cogner à la vraie vie. Si vous laissez passer cette chance, alors avec le temps, c'est votre coeur qui va devenir aussi sec et cassant que mon squelette. Alors, allez-y, nom d'un chien!" (l'homme de verre)

Loose translation of Raymond Dufayel’s words:
So, my little Amélie, you don't have bones of glass. You can take life's knocks. If you let this chance pass, eventually, your heart will become as dry and brittle as my skeleton. So, go get him, for Pete's sake!

Inconsistencies. Quirks. Normalcy?

2010-07-17T07:01:00.000-07:00

So I reach up with my left hand to grab something from the top shelf of my gym locker. After getting it down, I reached up to that same shelf with my right hand … of course there was nothing else for me to bring down, but I did the action anyway. My friend who was in the locker room with me noticed and had to ask – what did you do that for? And I replied – “To even myself out. I stretched up with my left hand, so I had to stretch with my right as well, otherwise I feel lopsided.”

Yes, yes, I know – she burst out laughing (as is the usual reaction I get when people hear about this) … but it’s just one of those things …

Or should I say one of those many things … apparently, as I’ve recently been told, I’ve got more ‘quirks’ than usual … I think the strangest one that has eluded many of my friends and family members for years is the issue I have with people smelling my food – or smelling food that’s being cooked or served. Now, I’m not talking about taking a whiff of the aroma that’s circling in the air and saying ‘Mmm that smells good.’ I don’t have a problem with that. I do, however, have an issue with someone putting their face close to the food and inhaling (or, as one of my friends does, puts his food up close to his face and deeply inhales!). And no, it’s not the boogers thing as people have speculated. I don’t know what it is, but there’s some psychological switch that once someone smells the food, I won’t be able to eat it … and it’s happened to me many times. It’s just one of those things.

Something else that’s kinda strange is that I can’t have any of my limbs hanging off the side of the bed. It gives me major anxiety … I feel like somebody (or something, like the monster under the bed) is going to pull my hand and drag me who knows where. I think this is because there were two occasions in which I had my hand on the escalator rail while going up and a man aggressively grabbed my hand from the escalator that was going down. It just really freaked me out – and I haven’t been able to shake that feeling. I never, ever hold the rail of an escalator on the side that’s near the one going in the opposite direction!

There are other habits I have which I’ve been told are weird, but honestly, I just see those actions as normal. I mean, doesn’t everyone alphabetize their DVDs by title or their books by author? Wouldn’t you also categorize your clothes by type (ok, I also do it by color, which may seem excessive, but it makes life easier!)?

I don’t know if my phobias should also be included as quirks. I mean, I guess my main phobia is that of dogs. My heart starts racing, I start hyperventilating, and often I just can’t controlled the panicked reaction with major screaming and tears streaming down my face, as a dog approaches me. However, I do have to say that a few months ago I decided that I would try and overcome this fear. I think I’ve done a good job so far. I mean, there have been a few instances where a dog has come near me and I have not reacted … now, actually approaching one and touching it is a different story … but who knows.

I guess my fear of sharks is understandable … though I guess the fact that I have to continuously repeat ‘there are no sharks in the water, there are no sharks in the water’ to myself as I swim … in the swimming pool … is a bit silly. But hey, whatever I need to do to get a few laps done, right?

The fear of birds, well, you can’t blame me for getting a bit freaked out when a bird flies overhead – anything that flies and poops at the same time should be feared!

Oh ... and I have issues about eating a banana in public.

Summer 2010 - Phase II

2010-07-11T05:47:00.000-07:00

It seems weird to entitle a blog entry as Part II when I never really wrote a Phase I … but with my expert skills at procrastination I don’t think it’s really that big of a surprise.

Phase I of my summer basically involved me getting ready to present at a conference at Canterbury Christ Church University (on creativity and language learning) and meet with my PhD advisor about my research. I’m pleased to say it all went very well.

I ended my ‘part I’ with a few days in London, hanging out with some very good friends of mine. Lots of walking, talking, and laughing. It was the much needed break before returning home and starting on Phase II.

I’ve got four basic tasks that I want to get through during my second phase of summer.

The first one has to do with my PhD. I’ve got my 3rd annual review in September, and I’ve got to get a lot of writing done before then. The good thing is that I actually feel like I can see the finish line. The bad thing is that it’s pretty much an obstacle course that I need to get through in order to get from where I am to that finish line!

My second task is to continue my gym routine. I had hit a good stride and was making some progress before heading to London … now I’ve got to get back to my training. I just hope that my 2 week break from the gym hasn’t set me back too far.

The third task has to do with getting organized. I’ve got piles and piles of papers to get through. As a teacher and a student, the number of papers that I’ve accumulated over the past year is unbelievable. Add to that the papers from previous years that I never sifted through and I’ve got a major task on my hands! In addition to the papers, I’ve got a huge box of odds and ends that I’ve been meaning to sort through for over a year … I think it’s time I get it done and get rid of that box! Plus, of course, I’ve got to go through my wardrobe, my accessories, my computer files, and all the other bits and pieces around the house. The key thing is that I need to get it done without compromising the time that I need to spend doing tasks 1 & 2. Getting organized is important, but (believe it or not) I have kinda been known to use it as a way to procrastinate. Not this time. Now it’s about being more efficient. [So I hope.]

Finally – and this will seem like a strange task – but after all, I am on vacation … my fourth task is to make some headway into my movie collection. I’ve got a few hundred DVDs, and there are quite a few that I haven’t watched. By quite a few I mean around 150 (and I think that’s a conservative estimate). So, before I can justify buying anymore DVDs (though I did recently purchase a few more in London), I’ve really got to get through the ones I’ve got. At least it’ll be a more enjoyable ‘chore.’

That’s it! These are my four main tasks for the next 6 weeks of summer. I probably should have added prep time for next semester’s class, but I think I’ll wait to tackle that after I accomplish these.

It’ll be a busy summer for sure!

Smart Travel

2010-07-09T22:12:00.000-07:00

I have always loved to travel. Every since I was young I’d get excited planning for the trip, figuring out what sites to go and see, packing for the journey – especially my carry on – and boarding that plane.

Over the years, that excitement still remains, though a few things have become a bit more tedious. First of all, it took me ages to figure out how to pack ‘light.’ It’s something that my father always told me to do, but something I never quite managed. My suitcases (2 @ 32 kg each) were always packed to capacity, and my carry on that truly tested my muscle strength. Over the years, I got better. As I started to travel more frequently and as many of my journeys involved hopping on and off (in and out of) planes, trains, and automobiles, I had to cut down on my luggage in order to cope without utterly exhausting myself. I’ve definitely improved (though I know there are some people who think I still have a long way to go before traveling lightly)!

Even if my suitcase is still on the heavy side, the one thing I have managed to improve on is my carry on. I used to carry a complete change of clothes, enough material to entertain me – books, puzzles, music (and in those days it would be various CDs and a discman), and more – for an endless journey. Plus of course there are the cosmetics and toiletries, a notebook and pencil case, a case of toiletries, and of course my camera, wallet, and travel documents. You’re easily looking at a 12-15 kg bag right there! Now, things are much simpler. I’ve got my laptop, iPod, a notebook and pen, flash drive, plus my camera, wallet, and travel documents.

My iPod has truly been a lifesaver. Not only does it have all my music, but it’s also got a few audiobooks in case I want to ‘read’ instead of listen to music and games – Sudoku, Scrabble, Tetris – to entertain me. Now if I had an iPhone I could even leave my camera out … but until then, it stays with me.

I must say that lightening up my carry on has made traveling so much easier. Aside from providing my shoulder with some much needed relief, it also helps when going through airport security.

Airport security can truly be a pain, but it’s something we’ve all got to go through, whether we like it or not. I understand that because of heightened security, further, more intensive checks have been implemented, and while this can be irritating and time-consuming, it’s inescapable.

What I don’t understand is how there are passengers that refuse (whether knowingly or unknowingly) to abide by the rules. By now, you should know the drill. Wear shoes that are easy to slip off, take off your belt, and for goodness sake, empty your pockets! I get infuriated at men who leave their keys, coins, and wallet in their pocket as they pass security. Hello?! Morons! Empty your bloody pockets. Moreover, these are the people who get exasperated with the security guards when they are told to empty their pockets. They scowl, they moan, they complain … when in fact they are the ones to blame. They are the ones who are causing the delays!

I was traveling out of Heathrow airport a few days ago. I didn’t think passing through security would take too long since there were only 10 people in front of me. However, when I saw the family of 5, I knew I had made a mistake. It’s like they had a plan to do whatever they could to cause a delay. Their belts were on, one of the kids was still in the stroller, they had several bottles of liquids on them, they were still wearing their jackets, their laptop was still in the bag … I mean seriously, you’re standing in line. Even if you can’t read English, you can watch the animated screens and get an idea as to what you’re supposed to do! Plus, I have to ask – did these people not travel anywhere in the past 2 years? Or for some reason, did they think that today, at this airport, at this time, security would make an exception and let them just go through? I mean, the ban to take liquids onto the plane (no matter how ridiculous it may seem) has been in effect for over 2 years now. It should be obvious that you can’t take that 600mL bottle of water/Coke/juice through security.

I know that it’s frustrating and irritating and some of the rules seem ridiculous (like what type of damaging material can you really get into the thin, rubber sole of a sandal?). But this moment in time, just before you are about to travel, is not the time to ‘test the system’ or engage in a conversation about how ridiculous the rules are. These are the rules. Follow them. You’d be amazed at how easy travel becomes when you’ve got your allocated 10 bottles of no more than 100mL of liquid already in a transparent zip lock bag, your laptop is out of its case, you’ve taken off your belt, and your pockets are empty … You sail through security, put everything back in your bag, and you’re off … see, it’s not so difficult! Travel Safe!

Progress or Regress?

2010-06-28T11:41:00.000-07:00

I just finished my last workout before traveling. I actually felt a bit anxious leaving the gym. Will being away for 2 weeks negate all the work that I’ve put in over the past few months? How much muscle will I lose? How much fat will I gain? Will I be able to maintain my progress given the busy schedule I have ahead of me? I’m really tense.

I’ve been given different advice and have been reassured that the body needs rest and that two weeks away from the gym is not really that long. The thing that scares me is that I never seem to maintain a routine for ‘that long.’ It’s not that I don’t want to or that I’m not committed … it’s just that when it’s travel that takes you away from the routine, it becomes that more difficult. You don’t always get time to exercise. You’re eating out all the time since you won’t be cooking at ‘home.’ Plus your overall schedule becomes erratic … still, I think I’ve done more than just exercise and try to eat properly over the past few months. I think I’ve actually learned a bit more about how my body is responding to food and exercise … instead of my oh so intelligent behavior of starving myself. I’m not (as) afraid to eat anymore. I’m starting to finally accept what I’ve been told over and over again – you need to eat properly to lose weight. You need to exercise and balance it with rest. You need to stay hydrated otherwise your body will retain water … etc. etc.

Anyway. I’ve got to learn to trust myself and trust that I have changed my lifestyle. These two weeks will be a test to see how much I’ve progressed … I hope it’ll be a success.

The Art of Procrastination

2010-06-22T09:08:00.000-07:00

I'm so busy, it's unbelievable. I've got tons of laundry to do (followed by folding it and putting it all away, a London shopping list to create, DVDs to order, emails to catch up on, and of course this blog entry (which I started months ago) to complete ...

Of course, I'm trying to tackle all these chores when I've got a really big task - a conference paper related to my PhD due in a week. I know the task will get done, but I also know, as I'm spending time typing this out, I should be working on it now -- instead of ... who knows when!

I don't know what it is that makes me put things off until the last minute. I think, ironically enough, a lot of it is about control.
For example, I'm not 100% sure what I'm going to be writing about for my conference paper. In order to complete it, I've got to do a lot of research and sit down and really, really concentrate on the task. The vauge idea that I have about my topic is not enough to inspire confidence within me, so I shift my attention to things that I can control ... tasks in which the end result is easily achievable.
My favorite ways to procrastinate are:
1) Making to-do lists. Whenever I start a to-do list (which is quite often) I feel like I'm being organized. I'm writing down the tasks that I need to complete. It makes me feel productive, but I know I'm just putting off the inevitable.
2) Looking through online shopping sites, especially Amazon. I can't tell you how many times I've filled up my shopping basket with things I'd like to buy ... I rarely purchase them, but just browing through the different items (particularly shoes) makes me feel happy!
3) Checking my email/Facebook/other blogs. I think seeing that others are emailing, posting status updates, or writing blogs makes me feel like I'm not the only one spending (wasting?) my time in that manner.
4) Organizing almost anything. Turning something chaotic into order definitely makes me feel more in control and productive -- and hey, at least I'm getting something done!)
5) Going to the gym. I have mixed feelings about adding this on my list of ways I procrastinate. I mean, exercise is important. Exercising helps me clear my mind. Exercising invigorates me. Okay, so spending several hours at the gym might be unnecessary (though I disagree) ... I could scale it back a little and get more work done ... hmmmm ... perhaps. I'll give it some thought.
You know, when I look through this list I think - wow, I do a lot of stuff. Granted it's not the task I should be working on, but I am being productive, aren't I? Look at all that I've completed today ...
Laundry. Check.
Clothes folded and put away. Check.
London shopping list. Check.
DVD order. Check.
Emails written. Check.
Blog to post. Check.

*sigh*
Ok. I really need to get some work done.

Home Honey I'm High

2009-10-28T07:30:00.000-07:00

I love listening to music in my car. For me, it’s one of my favorite things in my day – getting in my car, selecting a CD/playlist, and pumping up the volume … and singing along (at the top of my lungs of course)! Passing drivers must think I’m crazy as I drive by with a huge smile, singing as if my life depended on it and bobbing my head along with the music. What do I care? In my opinion, they’re the ones missing out on some great tunes.

I’m quite picky about what I listen to in the car, and I’ve even got a few specific playlists/CDs to listen to for certain drives. For example, I’ve got my Morning Mix. It’s got pick me up music to get my energy levels up for the day. On the way to the gym I’ve got special motivational music that gets me focused for my workout … and so on.

My music gets me in the mood for whatever I’m heading out to do … and I guess the singing along is some form of cathartic release. It’s only recently that I’ve realized that I actually sing through songs that I don’t even know the words of – sounds crazy, doesn’t it?! It seems that I was passing over lines that I didn’t understand by either making up words … or in some cases (quite a few cases truth be told) actually making up sounds – not words, actual sounds! They’re not words. They don’t exist. What??

Here are a few examples – There’s a line in Shakira & Beyonce’s song Beautiful Liar which I would sing as “I walked in, on your machine, slow dancing” … and every time I’d sing that line I’d think – What in the world are they talking about? Machine? Slow dancing? It just doesn’t make sense … of course I had to look up the lyrics (eventually – basically a few months after singing the line my way) and found out that she was saying “I walked in, on your love scene, slow dancing.” Listening to the song again I guess I can make out those words … but I still say it sounds more like machine!

I was listening to one of Kelli Ali’s albums given to me by a friend … he gave me the tracks without having the songs listed so I had no idea what the titles of the songs were. There was one song in particular that I loved and had no problem singing along to – Run baby run, I’m your steady sun, Meow my si, homany am I – yes, you read that correctly. Doesn’t make any sense. Meow my si, homany am I. I sang that line shamelessly for many, many days (weeks?) until I had to ask him – What the hell is she saying?

It turns out the line was “Run baby run, I’m your setting sun. Hear my sigh. Home Honey I’m High!” Now how was I supposed to figure that out? Seriously. Who could have guess that she’s playing off of “Hi honey, I’m home”?! At least even he admitted that he wouldn’t have known unless he had read the title of the song (obviously called Home Honey I’m High).

Just before you think I’m crazy, I’ve got to give you one more example:
Another friend of mine gave me a CD for my birthday and it had a song by Kylie Minogue called Speakerphone. Now, I’m not a huge fan, but the beat of the song is catchy and eventually I started singing along. When the words “Drop your socks and grab your mini boom box, Do the pop lock body rock let the beat drop” came out of my mouth, I swear I almost had an accident. What in the world did I just say? Go ahead, read that line again – crazy, isn’t it? Well, what’s even crazier is that those are the actual words of the song! Go check the lyrics online. She actually says those words.

Now, can you blame me for making up lyrics as I sing along? Lucky for me (and I guess everyone else) I only ever sing when I’m alone in my car – so I guess I can make up any lyrics I want!

Touched

2009-05-23T12:40:00.000-07:00

It’s been REALLY hot here in Kuwait. At 10:30 a.m. it was already 45°C (about 113°F) and I was boiling! As I was waiting in line this morning at the grocery store, I went to get some water from the fridge next to the check-out counter. Much to my dismay all the bottles were lukewarm at best. Another man came up and was also looking for a bottle of cold water but I told him that all the bottles were warm in this fridge. Definitely the wrong day for beverages to be warm!

The queue was building up so instead of searching in another fridge, I just proceeded and to put my items on the conveyor belt. As I placed my last item and was getting ready to pay – all the while dreading the idea of going back in that sweltering heat – the man who was searching for water came up to me and gave me an ice cold bottle of water.

I was so touched.

I wish I wasn’t so moved by that gesture. I wish that it was common enough for it to seem ordinary. The truth is, I think it’s far from ordinary and commonplace. So rarely do I see acts of random kindness – holding the door open for someone else, picking something up that someone has dropped, saying ‘please’, ‘thank you’, and ‘excuse me.’

Why have these simple gestures become so rare? A little bit of kindness goes a long way – it doesn’t cost anything, and it makes the other person feel good – which in turn makes them more likely to do something good for someone else. Everybody wins!

Workin' It Out

2009-04-08T00:25:00.000-07:00

I can’t believe it’s been almost a month since I last posted.

Things have been quite busy since the new semester started. I think people (non-teachers) definitely underestimate how much work teachers have to do. I guess if you look at our summer & winter holidays (and working hours here at KU), then it’s understandable … but those ‘perks’ give people the wrong impression … there’s so much more that others don’t see or consider. Lesson planning can take hours; figuring out the perfect lesson – something to keep a class of 25 adolescents attentive and interested in what you’re saying – is not easy! Grading takes even longer. Then of course there’s the fact that we go in every morning and stand in front of a class and try to TEACH them. You’re not working on your own; you don’t get any down time … all eyes are on YOU. So, as I was saying, it’s a lot of work!

Anyway. I didn’t intend for this post to be about my teaching. Actually, I’m quite amazed at how much I’ve accomplished in the past 6 weeks in terms of my PhD, despite the added hours that I spend on teaching now that the semester has started.

It hasn’t been easy balancing everything, but I’ve accomplished quite a lot. My reading is going well. My interviews are going great, and my writing has picked up. I’m on a roll and I feel terrific about it!

This week was particularly good as I was finally able to gain remote access to my university’s library in London. It’s so great to have all the journal articles that I need at my fingertips! Plus, one of my interviewees gave me a ton of information to follow-up on – opened some avenues that I didn’t even think about going down, so I’m quite excited about that! All of this has of course given me the push I needed to sit down and get some more writing done.

Feeling marvelous and motivated!!

Nostalgia Part III: Music to My Ears

2009-03-15T05:49:00.000-07:00

Nothing like a good tune to start your day ... and nothing like the following tunes to take me back to days of elementary, middle & high school -- Isn't it unbelievable how you still remember the words (and even some dance moves???)

Who can ever forget the New Kids on the Block?! Jordan, Donnie, Jonathan, Danny, and Joey - their ripped jeans, choreographed moves, and oh my, what charisma! Aren't they the ones who really kicked off the 'boy band' phenomenon?

I am still a huge fan of Madonna's ... and though there were many songs to choose from, this one one music video that I knew (and still know) all the dance moves to!

"Everybody's doin' a brand new dance now ..." :)

To what other song do you hum (sing?) the opening beat to than this one?

Don't tell me that you don't start to tap your feet and perhaps even snap when this song comes on! My friends at NES were crazy about Wham! and that soon spread to me - this is one song that always reminds me of you guys (see you this summer!!)

I really wanted to upload MC Hammer's 'U Can't This' video but I wasn't able to download it.

Michael Jackson. Whitney Houston. Debbie Gibson. Tiffany ... among many others are part of my nostalgic music moment. Remember the huge scandal Milli Vanilli caused when it was revealed that it wasn't really them singing?! Didn't they actually have their Grammy revoked?! :)

Well, all these songs/artists have a place in my musical scrapbook!

Happy Listening :)

Nostalgia Part II: Shows I Loved

2009-03-13T05:04:00.000-07:00

Once I started going through those old TV show clips, I couldn't stop! Here are a few more for old time's sake :)

Mr. Roger's Neighborhood -

Sesame St. - What a terrific educational show!

The Muppet Show - Why don't they make shows like this anymore?

I absolutely LOVED the Donnie and Marie show. Donnie Osmond was my first 'movie star' crush - I was devastated (at the age of 6) when I found out he was married *sniff sniff* This was my favorite opening performance:

Gummi Bears -- I don't remember too many cartoons from my childhood, but this is one that I absolutely loved! Didn't you wonder what is in Gummi Bear juice?

*Sigh* To be a kid again ...

Nostalgia Part I: TV Moments

2009-03-13T01:49:00.000-07:00

While my packrat tendencies have filled up trunks and boxes with loads of memories, going through them over the past few days reminded me of exactly why I kept them in the first place ... This is part of my trip down memory lane ...

Growing Pains ... I had such a crush on Kirk Cameron!

I'll never forget rushing home to watch 90210 and then calling up my friends to discuss what happened on that episode. What drama!

Making lists and planning my routine started from an early age for me. TV time was scheduled into my after-school routine ... come home from school, lunch, 1/2 hr of TV, homework, 1/2 hr of TV, dinner, sleep (something like that). Half hour sitcoms were perfect for my TV time slots - Different Strokes. Silver Spoon. Webster. And, how can anyone forget ... Small Wonder.

Punky Brewster was another favorite of mine ...

And of course, what childhood was complete without the family fun of the Cosby Show?

I'm so glad most of these TV shows are available on DVD now ... I get to relive any chidhood TV moment I want :)

The Rattle in my Bronchi

2009-03-05T05:24:00.000-08:00

My chronic bronchitis is torturing me. This is the third year in a row that I’ve suffered from this horrible, suffocating sharp cough for more than 2 months. In fact, the last 2 years I had it for 3 months each … so I’m hoping there’s just one more to go. I feel absolutely miserable. From the sound of the cough to the soreness in my throat to the bruised ribs I have from all the coughing … and that’s not even the worst part. The struggle to breathe is the most painful and depressing part. I feel like there’s a huge weight pressing down on my chest and just constricting my lungs – I get no air. For a few seconds every hour I feel like I’m being choked and there is absolutely nothing I can do.

I’ve been taking my medication. I still have a few more days for my antibiotics, but I can honestly tell you that I feel no different than I did when it first started. The medicine isn’t doing anything for me. The only good one is the one I have to take at night. I think it sedates me and just puts me to sleep … at least that’s the good thing. I’m hoping I can just relax this weekend – maybe try some deep breathing exercises or yoga to help relax my muscles and just relax in general. At this point I’ll do anything. I just want the coughing to stop.

Time Out!

2009-03-03T07:42:00.000-08:00

Seriously. Where is Evie and her ability to stop time? If I had one wish at this very moment, that’s exactly what it would be – stop time so that I can catch up!

I’ve been back from vacation for 4 days now – back at work for 3 and I am already exhausted and behind with everything that I have to do. I knew I should have come back earlier, but the thought of facing the dust – and all the errands that I knew were waiting for me – was just unbearable.

Everything is stacking up and I’m feeling very, very frantic. And it’s not just one task. There are several things that I have to do and at the moment I just don’t seem to be able to prioritize – hence things are being left half (quarter) finished, which is driving me even more insane.

From mundane tasks like dropping my clothes off at the dry cleaners and going to the post office to mail some parcels to more serious work like getting some of my PhD reading done!

I know it always takes a few days to get back into the swing of things after a vacation, but for some reason, I’m feeling the pressure and I need to make it all come together somehow – right now!

Train of thought

2009-02-04T22:28:00.000-08:00

The train ride to and from Canterbury is absolutely beautiful. It’s a very smooth and quiet journey down and this time, the scenery of the snow covered hills was breathtaking.

For some reason train journeys really soothe me. My mind wanders as I gaze out at the flashes of life that pass me by. Today’s journey was spotted with frost-crusted tree branches, snowmen on the side of the tracks, kids sledding down a hill, a lone farmer checking that the coats were on tight on his horses … I had never taken a train ride through the snow. It was all so peaceful looking – there’s something tantalizing, yet calming, at the sight of a large untouched blanket of snow – not a footprint in sight.

As my mind wanders I often reflect on the past. Good memories always come to mind – times of laughter revisited, bonds of friendship remembered, feelings for loved ones strengthened. Gazing out at the countryside feels reassuring. Everything seems possible. I think it’s that I’m (literally) moving forward – it reminds me that even though life is fast-paced at times, so fast that everything around me becomes blurred, there’s still much ahead of me – snowmen to build, horses to ride, and that untouched territory to discover.

Those were the days ...

2009-01-27T21:05:00.000-08:00

Shrill screaming as you run through the hall, slamming doors all through the night, loud music playing accompanied by out-of-tune voices … ya, I’m definitely not built for dorm living anymore!

Were we really that loud back then? I’m sure we were. I guess it was different living in a suite with your friends. I can’t really be too irked by the noise. I mean, 7 p.m. is not really late at night is it? Hehehe, just kidding.

I guess it’s just different being in my 30’s and living in a dorm vs. being 18 (as the girls in my suite this time around were). Still, aside from the noise, there was the room I had to deal with. The first thing I did was buy a pair of latex gloves and disinfectant detol wipes so that I could sanitize the whole room – only then could I start to relax a bit.

The room itself (this time) was not too bad. Good size, en suite facilities, a ‘comfy’ chair as they called it (not comfortable at all!) and a desk chair (also not comfortable) … and then there was the single bed with a … ummmm … I think it was intended to be a mattress but it felt more like a bunch of thin wire springs with a bit of cloth sewn over them – ouch! Yes, very uncomfortable. I literally had to sleep on the edge of the bed in order to avoid serious injury to my back! Luckily, I was only staying there for 10 nights since there was no way I could fit more clothes into the closet, which was about the size of an airplane bathroom! So clearly this room was purely functional and not built for comfort! Oh well – such is college life (at least for a few days out of the year) :)

My Treasure Chest

2009-01-19T21:55:00.000-08:00

Childhood toys.
Notes passed in high school.
Matchboxes from hotels.
Paper coasters from restaurants.
Sugar packets from cafes.
Letters and cards received from friends.
Balloons from special occasions.
Journal entries from anguish/hope/passion-filled moments of my life.
Pictures that capture the best of times.
Trinkets that bring back great memories.
Mixed tapes replaying symbolic songs.
Newspaper clippings of significant events/dates.
So many memories. So many good times. So much to be thankful for.

Palestine

2009-01-14T15:45:00.000-08:00

I can’t take the news about Gaza anymore. It fills me with so much anguish – I literally can’t bear it anymore. So many things about this situation amaze me – I’m amazed at how long this entire conflict has been allowed to go on. I’m amazed at how cruel people can be. I’m amazed that in this day and age there is still so much fighting going on.

I just cannot comprehend why so much fighting is still going on – or even why it began in the first place. I am embarrassed to be living in a country that claims to support the Palestinian cause but does nothing about it. Nobody is speaking loud enough and nobody is moving fast enough (if at all) to put an end to this. With such a travesty occurring, it should not take Ban Ki-moon to have to come in to put an end to all the fighting – isn’t that the obvious conclusion?!

It saddens me to no end to see our political leaders not leaping to action to stop this unbelievable inhumanity that is going on practically in our back yard. Sad stories, horrifying pictures in the newspaper, dreadful statistics are not what we need to realize that there is a problem … it’s no use if only the people feel such compassion and urgency to put an end to all the fighting – we governments to step in and put a stop to it. What is taking them so long? Why is it such a difficult solution to find? Can there really be a better/worthier/nobler goal than to save human lives and strive for peace?

It’s all just so sad. So very sad.

A belated happy new year ...

2009-01-07T11:53:00.000-08:00

Happy new year everyone!

I know this greeting is a bit late, but I have been in an unbelievable amount of pain.

I’m glad to say that the surgery went well. The doctor is very pleased with my progress, and while that’s comforting to hear, I feel absolutely miserable.

Three days after the procedure, I was discharged from the hospital. The surgeon told me that it had taken 2 hours longer than they had anticipated. He reassured me that it would be ok but the recovery process was going to be painful.

I have honestly never known pain like this before. Aside from the pain, it’s been the helplessness that has depressed me the most. Every single movement hurts. I still can’t do simple tasks like get out of bed without wincing and clutching on to something for support. I hate having to rely on someone to help me and I hate not being able to move freely.
When my doctor first told me that he was giving me 3 weeks of sick leave, I actually laughed. I thought that I would be back at work within 4-5 days. I can’t believe how naïve I was. I’m going stir-crazy at home already … but I need to hang in there for just another 2 weeks.

It's Christmas!

2008-12-25T08:56:00.000-08:00

I love Christmas. From the red and white stockings, to the fairy lights, to the warmth of the smiles that spread from the natural cheer that accompanies most people with this occasion … it’s all just so magical …

Many people complain that Christmas has become too commercial and materialistic, and while I can see where they’re coming from, it saddens me to that the joy that accompanies the season has been marred by this view. I get so excited as Christmas approaches – decorating the tree, putting up stockings, and of course shopping for presents! Still, the holiday is more than all of that … it’s about the happiness that spreads – hearing random people wishing others ‘Merry Christmas’, the desire to give something to others, using the occasion to send holiday cards to old friends and reconnect – remember them and also feeling remembered.

I can’t think of any other occasion that makes me feel this way – so comforted and content … Merry Christmas!

Lost Thoughts

2008-12-23T18:54:00.000-08:00

I’ve been a bit behind posting lately as I recently found out that I’ll be having a surgical procedure. While it’s not a very serious condition, it’s one that has caused me a lot of pain for the past few years. I know that the procedure will be beneficial for me, but it still scares me.

I’ve been focusing a lot of my attention on my health – as much of this blog is already about. I’m trying to build my strength but with the stress/worry that I’m feeling about this procedure, the cravings for chocolate have come back … and of course, with each bite I feel guilty, but it’s been hard to resist.

My doctor says that it may take up to 3 months before I can return to the gym. That has me feeling really frantic and worried. It actually almost makes me not want to go forth with the procedure, but I know (well, at least I’m assured by friends and family) that the procedure is worth it … so wish me luck!

The Key

2008-12-11T21:20:00.000-08:00

I got my Wellness key today! I booked a training session with one of my gym instructors. A lot of people avoid training with this one particular instructor because she’s the toughest of them all … but that’s exactly why I like her. I got my key and then we started to set up my program. I had to do a fitness test first. I’m never really nervous about fitness tests … what does bug me is that I usually do really well. My level of fitness is not my worry. I know I have strength and stamina … so inside, I’m fit … but outside, it doesn’t look it at all … anyway. Moving on …

So, I went through day 1 of a 5-day/week workout plan today. It was great (and tough). The thing that’s great about they key is that my goal is programmed in. I get immediate feedback on my results and get to see my progress. My instructor designed my program to push me hard … when you’re doing weights and cardio on your own, you can kinda adjust it along the way if you’re feeling tired … or sometimes psychologically you just don’t think that you can do that extra rep, or add some more weight … but here, if you do slow down or in some way ‘cheat’, then it’s all recorded. So, it really pushes you to complete the whole program … and complete it well.

I’m quite good about going to the gym in any case … I’m just hoping this key will give me the extra push that I need.

Finding a Balance

2008-12-10T22:54:00.000-08:00

Ok, I’ve kinda, sorta fallen off the wagon. It’s been tough this Eid holiday. One thing is that it’s been a total break in my routine. I had really gotten into my groove, but now, it being a week-long holiday, I’ve been totally thrown off sync. I guess on the bright side, I have been getting more sleep, which I know is a good thing. My usual schedule of getting 5 hours of sleep a night works well, but only for about 2 weeks, after which it all starts to catch up on me. Now, I’m getting around 7 hours and it makes quite a difference.

Anyway. The main thing is that there have been quite a few invites – all revolving around food. It’s not like I’ve gone on a crazy binge or anything … it’s little things – something that had a bit of cheese; something that was made with white flour, something that had some sugar … so I’m a bit disappointed that I couldn’t stick to it more rigidly.

The whole goal is really about being healthy and feeling good. An obvious connection that has emerged – especially as I’m writing all of this down – is that when I don’t exercise, I feel bad. When I eat unhealthily, I feel bad. So … (the conclusion seems obvious, doesn’t it?) Don’t do things that make you feel bad.

This whole reflective thing has also helped me connect what I’ve been reading to what I’ve been practicing. To be honest, some of it sounds very wishy washy – the whole yin and yang with foods and how it all works together and has an overall effect on how you feel etc. Still, I can’t deny that now that I’ve been trying to put it into practice, it does make more sense.

I guess its all part of the cycle.

Detox - day 3

2008-12-04T07:23:00.000-08:00

I never want to see another fruit for as long as I live!

I could barely bring myself to chew the fruit today. I just found it so utterly boring. Plus, I didn’t really feel any different. I don’t really know how I was supposed to feel, but it’s not like I felt completely refreshed and energized. I didn’t really feel any better than when I started … so did the detox work? I’m not really sure how I can tell.

In any case, I’m done with the program.

I did it.

Now, on to the next project.

Detox - day 2

2008-12-03T23:31:00.000-08:00

I feel like crap. I feel tense. I feel angry. I just feel completely out of control and helpless. I am very frustrated. I feel very depressed.

I’m completely on edge.

I don’t understand it.

I should be feeling light and carefree and fresh with all that damn fruit inside me … but I just can’t seem to find a solid foothold and get a grip.

I didn’t go to the gym today. I tried to tell myself that it was ok since I had been pushing myself really hard lately, but I wasn’t convinced. Not going to the gym made me feel worse … so, I did 1,000 ab crunches at home to try and make up for it. It truly felt like punishment – forcing myself to do them, the soreness that followed. What I really needed to do was sweat it out, but I just couldn’t do it. Instead, I moped.

I thought detox was supposed to make you feel good. Why do I feel so bad?

Detox - day 1

2008-12-02T20:59:00.000-08:00

I had a really hectic day today. Lots of things to do at work, lots of errands to run after work, and today was the first day of my fruit detox program. At first glance the program looks like there’s not enough food and it had me wondering, am I going to make it? I didn’t want to get into a program at the expense of being weak and not having enough energy to do any exercise … but, after going through the list of fruits and trying to eat whatever was prescribed for each meal, I found that I just couldn’t consume them all. I mean, a banana, a pear, half a papaya, grapes, and strawberries – just for breakfast! I was stuffed. I know it’s not a fast. It’s not a starvation plan. It’s not even a diet … but still, I was full after a few fruit … and tired of chewing by lunchtime. Still, I’ve committed to doing this. I want to follow it through. After all, it’s only 3 days – what’s the worst that can happen?

Winning the Race

2008-11-28T12:42:00.000-08:00

Day 6 and I’m feeling pretty good. I was a bit worried about Thanksgiving dinner tonight, but I didn’t have to be. Dinner was a success and I’m proud of myself for not giving in to any of the tempting food. All that cooking just left me so exhausted that I wasn’t even interested in eating … plus, my appetite has decreased significantly and I’m not really having any cravings. The thing is, I love vegetables – no matter what the preparation … that really makes it much easier. Plus, the light feeling of not eating big meals or meals weighed down with meat etc. has made me feel much more positive.

I’ve been going to the gym regularly, and while I have been feeling a little weak and slightly dizzy during/after my workouts, I’ve been pushing through. I know not to overdo it. I mean, I’ve pushed myself to that point in the past before and it’s terrible – pushing hard for 10 days only to collapse and not do anything for a week … moderation is definitely the goal …

I still have to concentrate quite a bit on my eating habits/patterns. I’ve got to make a conscious effort … it doesn’t always come easy. I just have to remember to keep being patient and focused. Changes don’t occur overnight. As long as I’m making a concentrated effort, I should be fine. Still, it’s hard to block out the worries that are crowding my mind. I know that if I make this adjustment process to tedious, then it won’t last. Slow and steady wins the race, right? Slow and steady … slow and steady …

Adjusting

2008-11-25T21:53:00.000-08:00

Day 3 and things are going well … except for the headaches. The headaches are really, really bad. I can’t keep my eyes open; I can’t even keep my head up straight. I have resisted taking any of my migraine medication or any painkillers at all. I keep reminding myself that since I have changed many aspects of my routine, it is only natural that my body will be responding in some ways. As Simon Brown wrote in his book, it’s the toxins leaving the body … so obviously there are some reactions … so I’m just going to stick it out.

It’s taking a bit of time getting my food sorted out. At the moment I’m just having steamed vegetables and ½ a cup of rice for lunch and that’s just fine. Today I felt a bit more hungry so I had another half cup of vegetables … I’m trying not to feel guilty for eating. I mean, if I’m really feeling guilty for basically eating boiled peas and carrots, then I’ve really got major issues! Anyway.

I went to take a nap at 3:00. I woke up with a start and checked my watch, only to see that it was 3:12. I forced myself to stay in bed until 3:30 – just trying to relax and meditate and rush around (and not really get anything done!). I felt great when I got up from bed. Very light, lots of energy … I think not having a big meal for lunch has really made a difference. Not that I ever ate that much … but I did eat more than what I’ve had in the last 3 days … so again, I’m sure every little change is making a difference.

I’m feeling pretty positive at this point and that in itself is making me feel good. I’m actually surprised at how quickly I’ve adjusted – or maybe it’s just the initial enthusiasm/motivation that comes with starting something new. We’ll see.

Change in Motion

2008-11-23T20:47:00.000-08:00

A combination of increasing frustration, a motivational email from J, and the arrival of Jessica Porter’s book The Hip-Chick’s guide to Macrobiotics lead to me to finally step and make a change. Not just a small change, but a drastic one.

The first thing I need to do is stop being so afraid. Afraid of change. Afraid of things being difficult. Afraid of struggle. I find it slightly ironic that I’m saying that to myself since in many aspects in my life I am not afraid to work hard through difficult situations and make the changes necessary. However, when it comes to dealing with the biggest chip on my shoulder, i.e. loathing the way I look, I seem to fall short of that extra step I need to take to really make things happen.

If I really wanted things to change, then I would be more aggressive about it. The measures I’ve been taking in the past have not worked … obviously I need to change things up so that I can actually see some results from the effort that I am putting in … because I know I am putting in the effort. Spending 2, sometimes 3, hours at the gym almost daily should show some improvement … and I’m not just taking about improving my strength and stamina – yes, those things have improved. I’m talking about my appearance. I want to lose weight so I can feel better. I want to lose weight so I can lessen the paranoid I feel about diabetes and heart disease lurking around in my not-so-distant future.

You have to understand … all those people out there who are supportive and encouraging and make reassuring statements telling me that I’m overreacting and being too hard on myself etc. etc. … I do appreciate those words, honestly. But this problem is much more than that. It’s eating at my very core, making me discontent and dissatisfied in so many ways that it’s ruining me and totally bringing me down. So … it’s time to change.

The second thing I need to do, and this is a big one, is to be patient. I need to be patient with myself, patient with my body, patient with reality … changes do not happen over night. The effort that I’m putting in, is not for short-term results, it’s for life. So I must be patient. I cannot get frustrated, as I often do, and think that if things do not change in the first 48 hours then all the effort is worthless. I cannot beat myself up if I fail to go to the gym one day or breakdown and have a piece of chocolate. It’s about the bigger picture. It’s about the bigger picture. It’s about the bigger picture. (Ok, I think I’ve convinced myself.)

So here are the initial steps – all starting right now.
No caffeine (yikes!), no sugar (that sucks), no white flour, no meat – only fish occasionally, no dairy, no artificial products.

Here I go – wish me luck!

Charity in Bangladesh

2008-08-22T03:43:00.000-07:00

On November 15, 2007, Cyclone Sidr struck Bangladesh and left thousands of people dead and around 3 million people without any shelter or food. This is one of many natural disasters that has affected Bangladesh over the years.

As one of the poorest countries in the world, millions of people in Bangladesh are stricken by diseases as a result of water contaminated with arsenic and water-borne diseases in general. Poverty also leaves many without any food or proper shelter. Building deep water wells helps provide arsenic-free water to people in the village. Over the past 3 years through donations we’ve (my family – aunts and uncles personally go into the villages to make sure the wells are constructed properly) managed to provide 7 tube wells. Each tube well costs around KD 300 (almost $1,000) which can be used by around 50 people in a village.

Moreover, for several years I have been closely working with an orphanage in Dhaka that provides shelter, food, and education to the children. KD 60 (around $200) takes care of all expenses needed by one orphan (food, clothing, materials for education (books, pens, paper etc.) for one year.

Among our charity projects are providing school supplies to village children – our usual school packs include one waterproof backpack with an umbrella, 6 exercise books, 12 pens, 12 pencils, 1 geometry box – costing KD 5 (around $20). Last year we were able to donate 5,000 backpacks throughout Bangladesh.

We also provide vaccinations against and medication for various water-borne diseases (typhoid, cholera etc.) which are ever so common throughout Bangladesh. In addition, during the cold winter months it is very difficult for villagers to stay warm, especially without electricity. To help them we distribute blankets to as many villages as possible. KD 10 (about $40) provides enough blankets for 20 people.

Many of you have been extremely generous with your donations for these various causes. Your donations have helped provide corrugated metal for shelter, rice for sustenance, and deep tube-wells for clean drinking water. Thank you for placing trust in me and my family to make sure that 100% of your donations go directly to the people in need.

I have attached some photos from when my aunt (father’s sister) went to Bagerhat to distribute rice and shelter materials to the people in the village after Cyclone Sidr of last year.

Your donations are much appreciated. Please spread the word and feel free to contact me if you have any questions about our charity projects.

Some of the destruction of Cyclone Sidr.

Stand that was set up to distribute rice, lentils, and other food to villagers affected by the cyclone. All were bought using money contributed from friends in Kuwait.

My aunt (father's sister) at the village distributing food. 100% of the money goes directly to those in need. The time, transportation, and all other things to make it happen are on us.

Skinny Skeleton

2006-11-03T10:36:00.000-08:00

So I finally was taken to the hospital on Wednesday. I knew that I should have gone earlier seeing as the pain in my wrist was getting worse and worse. I thought that after a few pain killers and balm the swelling would go down and the pain would ease up ... but I was definitely mistaken.

It wasn't until I woke up in the morning and spent 20 minutes trying to zip up my skirt - because I couldn't get a grip on the material - that I realized that maybe I should get this checked out.

Of course the usual excuses stopped me from going earlier:
- it's nothing, it'll go away
- i don't have time
- what if something's wrong?

So I went. And they took an x-ray. And as I was sitting in the doctor's office staring at the image of my hand and wrist, all I could think of is, wow, my fingers look really skinny. If only the image of my skeleton could walk around instead of all the padding that surrounds it!

Anyway.

After admiring my skinny skeletal image for a few minutes I finally heard the doctor's surprised tone of voice. Apparently I had fractured my wrist a while ago (anywhere from a few weeks to a few months ago). He was asking me all sorts of questions like - when did it happen, didn't I notice, why didn't I come for treatment, how did this happen?

I waited for a few seconds to take it all in and I was like - I fractured my wrist? When? How?

He wasn't amused. But I was serious. I mean, sure I remember a time or two when I hurt my wrist - perhaps from kickboxing or from weight lifting - but I couldn't specifically remember. Besides, I think I have a high tolerance for pain (plus I'm stubborn).

Anyway. There was no way in hell he was putting a cast on my wrist. I mean, my wedding is in two weeks - TWO WEEKS (brief anxiety attack here).

Ya, so he'll have to wait. In the meantime I have a stupid bandage on my wrist that limits my every movement and makes things really difficult for me. Hrumph! Oh well - it's better than the cast, coz' you better believe I won't be wearing it at my wedding!

Now back to dreaming about my skinny skeleton ...

Making a Difference

2006-10-16T05:46:00.000-07:00

I was so thrilled on October 13th to turn on my computer and see among the the top 5 headlines: Muhammad Yunus and Grameen Bank of Bangladesh win Nobel Peace Prize.

I wanted to jump up and down with joy - in fact I did a little!

What a great achievement! Sure, a nobel peace prize is given out every year, but this one was different for me ... obviously the first connection is that he's Bangladeshi. The second thing is that what Yunus has achieved really shows that change is possible ... that you can make a difference, even if it's a small one. We all have this power in our hands.

Yunus started a micro-banking system about 30 years ago. He gave small loans (e.g. $9) to poor village women (note: he started giving the loan to men first, but then found that they could not handle the money, so then he started lending only to women). With this money they were told to do something - anything - start a trade, buy some material, hire someone to do something if they didn't have the skill. They were to pay back the money whenever they could - no interest, no penalities, nothing ... and what happened? These women who were in desperate situations started their own small businesses. They didn't have to take to the streets and beg. They could work and earn money and take care of the family.

They had responsibilities and they carried out their work with pride.

My favorite quote from him is:
"You cannot go on having absurd amounts of wealth when other people have problems of survival," he said. "If you can bring an end to poverty, at least from an economic point of view, you can have a more livable situation between very rich people and very poor people, very rich countries and very poor countries. That's our basic ingredient for peace."

I think, if people properly gave their annual 2.5% zakaat (charity money in Islam) then so much could be done. I'm not saying eliminate poverty or anything like that ... I'm talking about taking little steps - but all leading to the right direction. Even if you eliminate the religious aspect of it, you can't say that giving for charity is not good. How can we, who have so much, not open our hands a little to make a difference?

The Bangladesh government is in such a pitiful state ... but what I have seen year after year is that individuals are using their own money to better their neighborhood, their streets etc. etc. It's so great when you see people willing to spend a little of their own money to help other people -- and not just other people, but these steps help the country as well.

So Yunus has shown that if you try and if you want to ... you can make a difference.

Going Postal

2006-10-11T13:18:00.000-07:00

Does anybody know where the phrase 'going postal' came from?

I'm sure it has something to do with someone going insane at a post office ... like I almost went today.

I don't understand people that work in some of these government offices. Why are they so sullen, bitter, moody, and angry? They've got one of the easiest jobs in the world and yet they act as if asking for a stamp means that they have to move heaven and earth for you.

Take today, for example. I went to the post office and got a package slip. So I went to the counter where I'm supposed to claim my package. When I went the counter and placed the slip in the tiny window, the guy who was just sitting there staring off into space, gave me the look of death. I swear, his look clearly said - could you not see that I was busy doing nothing? Did you have to make me actually do some work today? I was so angry.

This is their job. If they hate it, why can't they find something more motivating, challenging, or exciting? And it's not like it takes great skill or energy to do what they're doing.

He grabbed the paper out of my hand and said 'shenoo hatha'? Thank god there was that glass barrier between us because I swear I wanted to reach out and slap him. I just ignored his comment and finally he snapped 'bataka' - I calmly handed him my id card - silently thinking to myself -- if he had simply done his job without an attitude, then both his day and mine would have gone so smoothly. Finally my white package slipped transformed into a pink one which he shoved in my direction as he barked 'rooh Keifan.'

I knew this was going to happen as all personal packages go to Keifan, so I quickly rushed there.

I was pretty excited as I knew this was my birthday package from D and I really wanted to get it so that I could open it tomorrow. It was already 12:25 and I knew that the post office was closing at 1 so I just hoped I'd make it there on time.

Thank goodness, I did. I went to the express package counter and they got my package in a minute ... now came the time when they were going to go through my stuff.

I was really hoping that they wouldn't ... I mean, it's my birthday present. It's wrapped. I wanted to open it ... and of course, above all, I didn't want to see what was in it, I wanted to wait.

So, I took a chance and told the guy - I know you have to open it, but I don't want to see what's inside. He was a little suprised at my statement. So I explained, tomorrow's my birthday and I want it to be a surprise. He just said ok, have a seat.

I heard him open the box and cut through some paper and then move things around. I didn't want to look - I didn't have the heart to see all the wrapping paper all over the place.

Finally I heard him say he was finished. I went to get my box and saw that he hadn't ripped any of the paper. He had just slit the top to look inside. I was so relieved. So he handed back the box and said Happy Birthday ... then paused and had a slight smile on his face and said (with his hand still on the box) do you want to know what's inside? And we both just laughed as a exclaimed 'No!'

See -- is it so difficult to have a bit of a sense of humor and be nice? I mean, he was polite so I was polite to him. He worked quickly and efficiently, and I appreciated it.

Why can't it always be like that?

Tick-Tock - The Clock won't Stop

2006-10-08T14:26:00.000-07:00

I can't keep up. I mean seriously, where does the time go? It's not like I spend hours lazing around or anything. In fact, it's the opposite.

So I start my day with a list of 100 things to do. As I strike off 20+ things, I add on 30+ things ... It's never ending!

I enjoy staying busy for sure, but now I've created a new meaning for the word busy. It's getting really frustrating.

A big part of it is Ramadan timing. I can't get anything done during the day. When I do have time in the afternoon, all the shops are closed. And if I set out to do anything in the evening, I spend most of the time stuck in traffic. It's making it really hard to get things done ... and now the pressure is mounting. Registration of my car, grading papers, working out, getting things for my new apartment, wedding plans, Phd work ... and that's just the beginning - and you can forget about time for family and friends. I don't know how many times I've said no to outings etc. but I just can't do it. When I do have a spare moment I just need to be by myself to recuperate and get ready for the next list of things to do.

They say we should enjoy life and stop and smell the roses ... at this point in time, things are moving so fast, I can't even see the bloody roses!

Pill Popping Bliss

2006-09-29T12:50:00.000-07:00

Okay, so my title may not be the most attractive of titles. I guess it's not even something that I should be proud of, but what can I say ... I'm finally sleeping.

I've always been hesitant about taking sleeping pills or sedatives. But this summer my insomnia go so bad that I went into Boots and got a bottle of herbal sleeping pills. I tried them out for a few nights but found that they were really relaxants. So instead of being able to fall asleep, I would just lay in bed, relaxed, but wide awake. That definitely wasn't my idea of a solution.

A few weeks later I had a nasty fall down the stairs. As horrifying as that experience was, I have no complaints as the medication iw as taking for the pain put me soundly to sleep. And what can I say, it wasn't too long before I became hooked.

I didn't depend on them right away ... it wasn't till another few weeks later when my insomnia was kicking in that I decided to reach for that little bottle of magic pills to just try and get a good night's sleep ... and what do you know ... it worked! And so I took a few more the next night, and then the next, and then the next ...

And each morning I woke up feeling great because I had a good night's sleep.

Seems good, doesn't it ... well, not to everybody.

My friends are a little concerned about my growing dependency on these pills. To calm them down I told them that I'd give them up ... and I did ... well, for a few nights ... but those nights were so restless for me. I had trouble sleeping. When I slept I couldn't stay asleep ... and then I'd finally wake up feeling like I'd been hit by a truck.

So my argument is ... what harm can a few pills a night do when the results are so good? I get to sleep. I feel rested. And when I wake up, I'm ready to go.

I guess I'm caught in a dilemma right now. I don't want to be addicted to these pills. And actually for the last week I haven't taken them at all ... but the bad nights of sleep are really getting to me. I just don't know what to do ...

Back-logged

2006-09-27T04:12:00.000-07:00

I'm back ... I can't believe how long it's been since I wrote ... especially given the tons of things that have been going on in my life over the past few months.

So here's a quick update:

First of all -- the biggest news of the summer is that D and I got engaged!!! :)
Though we had talked about it before it still came as a bit of a surprise. And I was a little nervous as we told his parents, but they were so excited for us ... a few days later I flew to tell my parents about it and they were just as excited! There was a lot of happiness and joy in the air and it was thrilling to tell my family. Of course wedding plans started right away ... and with 200 immediate opinionated family members, it's not always easy to mange ... but we're making our way through it all --- I'm sure I'll have details later.

Second --- the trip to the States was good. I had a great time in Boston. Felt extremely relieved to get rid of my storage unit in NY ... oh my God - what was I doing with all that stuff??? And I had the weirdest things come out of my boxes! I got rid of most of it, but even after donating things I ended up spending $1000 shipping things back home! Will I ever let go?? After getting that task out of the way H and I headed to NYC for a luxury weekend at the Waldorf Astoria. We had a brilliant time. As we drove into the city I realized that I absolutely loved NY. I never miss the US but as soon as I enter NYC, I feel nostalgic and long to move back to America.

Third --- I quit working at the advertising agency!!!! I am so relieved! There were two main reasons for the move - I really wanted my afternoons back & they weren't paying me enough to keep them occupied and two -- it just wasn't fun anymore. The company environment changed and I started to dread going to work. And I refuse to feel that way!

I'm so much happier now that I've quit the job.

So that stuff basically brings me to the here and now ...

I'm getting settled in my new flat which is slowly taking shape and turning into the cozy place I want to call home. I'm still waiting for D to finish up work in London so that we can be together. And work has started again. My class is great and I'm enjoying it so far.

That's the basic update from me ... will be back soon with lots and lots of details :)

Ciao!

Silence in London

2006-07-07T13:41:00.000-07:00

The day was like any other -- everybody was going about their business ... rushing to meetings, hailing cabs, chatting with friends, laughing ... D and I were on the train heading into central London when the announcement came on reminding us that there will be a 2 minute silence in rememberance of the 7-7 bombings last year ... Has a year already gone by? What a chaotic day that was - I'll never forget the anxiety that built up as I was stuck in a train, waiting for news - my family and friends desperately trying to contact me to make sure that I was ok - everyone reaching out to each other to comfort & console ...

D & I walked out of of the train and were on the platform when everyone stood still ... London had come to a stop. I was amazed at the stillness in the station but I desperately wanted to catch a glimpse of what it was like in the city -- what a powerful feeling to have everybody stopped at the same moment of time - remembering ... whether it was remembering the exact event, their friends, their family ... what it all means ... why it all happened ... what can be done to make this world a better place ... whatever it was ... everybody was in it together ... and I could truly feel the power of silence.

Glimpse of a Geisha

2006-07-06T04:41:00.000-07:00

I didn't get too many good reviews about the movie, but heard that the book was excellent ... After reading it I think excellent is an understatement. The book was completely enchanting. The story itself held me captivated ... put together with the style of writing and the wonderful descriptions, I was completely lost in Sayuri-san's world ... Her story was heart-breaking and inspiring as well -- to see how hope can help a person pull through any situation that comes her way ... how love can be such a driving force towards achieving goals ... to realizing that we never know what lies in our destiny ...

Separate Lives

2006-06-27T13:42:00.000-07:00

Another divorce. I just feel so numb at the thought of it ... no, that's not true. Numb would imply that I'm not feeling anything - but that's not true. I just haven't been able to put my finger on the exact emotion as yet.

It's always been something that worries me. It's such a sad thing to happen. Heart-breaking really ... but then again, I do understand that sometimes people just don't get along ... or sometimes, it just doesn't work. I definitely don't think that people should stay together just for the sake of staying together and not wanting to disrupt their 'lives.' I've often said that I think it's better to be alone and happy than with someone and miserable ... after all, life is short ...

Still, there's something disappointing about it. I guess because it scares me. The idea that people can be together for years and years and then realize that it just doesn't work ... it's scary.

At the same time, maybe it has nothing to do with time. I mean, I've seen all sorts of situations. Arranged marriages lasting for 30+ years ... 'love' marriages breaking up within one year ... marriages for the sake of convenience lasting and growing into something special ... marriages because they think it's the 'right' thing to do falling apart soon after the exchange of vows ...

So anything is possible, and we can't predict the future - how our lives will change, where we'll be, who we'll be with ...

I guess we just have to give it all we've got and take comfort in the knowledge that yes, we did try to make something happen ... and it just didn't work ... but we did try.

Lingering in London

2006-06-26T14:20:00.000-07:00

There's something about London that makes me so happy. I know a lot of people find it chaotic and busy ... but maybe it's because I come here for such short periods that I get to enjoy the atmosphere without being caught up in the dreary weather and the rush hour commute ...

But today, D and I were huddled under an umbrella, walking hand-in-hand through the crowds in Piccadilly Circus and I just felt so happy. I felt completely carefree and at ease and it was just wonderful to feel that way after such a long time.

There are other things about London that I love as well. I love sitting in Hyde Park with my notebook - watching people and writing ... I spend a lot of time writing here. It's like my creative edge sharpens as soon as I step off of Heathrow Express.

We spent a few hours browsing in bookstores today -- it's something I miss so much in Kuwait. It's so hard to control the temptation to pick up all the books that catch my eye ... and I really shouldn't buy anymore. I need to finish reading all the books that I've already bought before I buy again ... but of course that's easier said than done!

Well, now that I'm back from Canterbury I have a lot more time to relax and enjoy the London atmosphere. Even though I've been here several times there are still plenty of things for me to do and see ...

Tomorrow will be another wonderful day in London ...

A Huge Success

2006-06-24T14:13:00.000-07:00

Would it be funny to say that I felt like a mini-superstar?

I was nervous like you won't believe. I my hands were shaking so much that I had to put my notes down because I felt that it would make my nervousness so obvious. I thought I'd be lost without my notes, but I just took off ... and it was great. It was a topic that I felt comfortable with and passionate about.

I actually didn't realize how well it went until the audience asked me to continue to talk even into their tea break! So I went on and I loved it. We had to leave the seminar room as another presenter had to get ready for his presentation, so I walked out of the room surrounded by six or seven people all hoovering around me ... I was amazed and so happy. Like D said ... I was a superstar and for the first time I didn't feel too shy about admitting it (just a little though).

I learnt a lot from the conference and felt that it was a very productive trip and the start of many more I hope!

Now my vacation finally begins!!

Unveiling in Progress

2006-06-21T03:48:00.000-07:00

I deleted all my blogs today. I had thought about deleting them a while ago, but I hesitated. Then I realized that there really was no reason to keep up a bunch of posts that had so much to do with a past that I have now moved far away from.

There are so many things in me that have changed. More than that ... there are so many things about my vision of my life and my future that have changed. A lot of my blogs seemed to be so negative and depressing. I just don't think that's who I am anymore. I'm not denying that they are a part of my past ... after all, if I hadn't gone through all those events and experienced those emotions, I wouldn't be where I am right now ...

I took some time to think about some events that happened in my life this month. They made me realize a lot about myself - about how tough I have been on myself, about how negatively I have looked at many aspects of my life, and about how weak I have been in terms of reacting to others. I finally managed to see that I am a lot stronger than I thought I was. I actually realized that I had some worth.

So, today is the start of a new beginning ...